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July 13, 2016 7:18 am  #21


Re: Forum Survey - Relationships

Obviously we all face big steps in our lives and they are bigger when made with another person, bigger still when made with other people.
Re: marriage.
I never saw it as necessary, but my husband did.
At the time, I remember my boss saying to me(when I asked for the time off work)that the ceremony doesn't matter: you are married from the moment you decide to be together for the rest of your lives.
I understand it may be slightly different for religious people.
Although I don't have a romantic bone in my body, a piece of paper means nothing to me either.
I tend to feel if people want to stay togethere they will and if they don't they won't. 
Divorce stats seem to back this up.

Last edited by besleybean (July 13, 2016 7:19 am)


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July 13, 2016 9:20 am  #22


Re: Forum Survey - Relationships

Married since 2004. And don't want to miss a single day.


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July 13, 2016 9:51 am  #23


Re: Forum Survey - Relationships

I'm still amazed how being single can be such a joy and such a pain in the ass.
Some days it makes me miserable to be single (not even bcs I'm so desperate for love, but bcs I start to feel like I'm missing out, deprived of making such life choices like marriage and kids while everyone else is going down that road...but then, I envy them the choice, not necessary the partner or kids. Is this weird? Wanting a choice, even if the answer might still be "I don't want to"?). On many occasions I like being on my own, but I'd prefer to be single in a society  where people don't judge you for it.
Somebody once told me "you'll never be happy on your own" and I thought "how would you know, having been in relationships all your life". Though that goes both ways, obviously.


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July 13, 2016 10:00 am  #24


Re: Forum Survey - Relationships

Yeah it's weird.
I was perfectly happy single and thought I wanted to stay that way.
People were always trying to match make for me and I certainly felt treated as a second class citizen, when single- but don't know if that was just because I was young. Now I have grey hair, I feel I get treated better, ha!
My major concern was always the biological clock, but I wasn't certain I wanted kids.
Now I have them, obviously I wouldn't be without them.
Though I do sometimes feel I might prefer to live on my own.
Mum always says Dad is like that, too!


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July 13, 2016 10:12 am  #25


Re: Forum Survey - Relationships

Whisky wrote:

I'm still amazed how being single can be such a joy and such a pain in the ass.

Oh, but the same goes for being in a relationship. At least in my experience. Whatever your relationship status is, I think there always are good times and not so good times. I have been single until my early thirties, and I can't say that being in a relationship has made my life better or worse, just... different. Being happy isn't defined by your relationship status but by yourself. I really believe that. Someone to share your life with is a wonderful addition on so many levels, but it's not anybody else's responsibility to make you happy but your own.
And of course society shouldn't judge people because they're single or in a relationship with the 'wrong' person or because they decide for or against kids... but I suppose such a society is something of a utopia.
 

Last edited by SolarSystem (July 13, 2016 10:26 am)


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July 13, 2016 10:13 am  #26


Re: Forum Survey - Relationships

Yes, we should define ourselves, not by how society or others see us.


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July 13, 2016 10:39 am  #27


Re: Forum Survey - Relationships

Yes, we should try to be happy either way. But still, there is the happiness of being in love which I won't get in any other way - happiness yes, but not that special feeling, one of a kind. And the joy about being on my own which makes me happy precisely because there is noone else, like a happiness for independence.
For me this is a factor of happiness. I can be happy on my own or in a relationship, just the same... but it's not the same. My happiness is fuelled differently, so to say 


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July 13, 2016 10:40 am  #28


Re: Forum Survey - Relationships

Indeed.


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July 13, 2016 10:51 am  #29


Re: Forum Survey - Relationships

That's true, I know what you mean. 


___________________________________________________
"Am I the current King of England?

"I see no shame in having an unhealthy obsession with something." - David Tennant
"We did observe." - David Tennant in "Richard II"

 
 

July 13, 2016 12:32 pm  #30


Re: Forum Survey - Relationships

I would never say that having a legal marriage makes your relationship supierior and I totally agree that it should be a personal choice.

For me, because of various and sundry reasons, didn't get married until the year I turned 40.   Before I met my husband I had come to the conclusion that marriage wasn't in the cards for me and I was ok with that.  I had my own house, a good job and an active social life with great friends.  Then SURPRISE!  Fell in love.

Making it a legal union was important to me.  I think there are many practical reasons for it but in my case it was very emotional.  It may be "just a piece of paper" but it can also be a powerful symbol of what you want your relationship to be.  Just like wearing rings, it is a public statement that you have bound your life to someone and are committed to all that that involves.  For me, it was a very important step.


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July 13, 2016 2:09 pm  #31


Re: Forum Survey - Relationships

If it means something to you, go for it. If not, that's fine too.
For me, I'm not so into weddings, certainly not the fancy ceremony part with the expensive party.

I guess while I was brought up around some people, like my parents and some of their friends, who had marriages, they also had friends who were single and happy. My mom even said that if she had not met my dad she would have been fine staying single her whole life.

I never really cared, though my Grandmother always says "Don't say that!" whenever I say that I might never get married and don't really care if I don't. It seems like a dire propositon to her, but not to me.

As some of you may know from things I have mentioned here, I have been in love only once in my life and she did not have those same feelings for me. For a while I was sad about this - I was in love after all. For a while I wished I had what Benedict and Sohpie had. Now it just makes me happy to see them happy instead of making me wish I had someone in addition to making me happy.
For me, being in love could be wonderful but could also be horribly painful. She didn't hurt me or was mean or anything - she was and still is one of my most trusted friends - but the feelings themselves hurt. It hurt when she was sad and I could do nothing about it, if hurt to be away from her, it hurt to feel so strongly for someone, not knowing what to say. Sometimes I would feel like a giddy schoolboy in spite of myself. But I cried so much during that time, certainly for the time we were in high school and the feelings were new. It was something new to me, but I do not think I miss it. I don't know if it's something I will ever feel for anyone again, maybe not even for another 16 or 17 years.  I have yet to form a bond like that with someone again and I am fine with that. I'm not ashamed or feel like I am missing something. Perhaps that has to do with being asexual and kind of interoverted, I don't know.

I have a friend who used to always say she was "forever alone" because she had no partner. It always annoyed me because it was ludicrous. She had me and all her other friends. She is far from alone. People shouldn't put romantic love on a pedestal above friendship. They are both ways in which we surround ourselves with people who make us happy and that is all that matters.

Last edited by Yitzock (July 13, 2016 2:11 pm)



Clueing for looks.
 

July 13, 2016 2:13 pm  #32


Re: Forum Survey - Relationships

I agree, we all have many kinds of loving relationships: partners, friends, children, siblings, parents etc...
even if we have just one of these, we are very fortunate.


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July 13, 2016 5:41 pm  #33


Re: Forum Survey - Relationships

One thing I have in mind is that we tend to end up single or dead.   I'm sorry to be so blunt.   Some people are single all along, but even the ones who stay in couples lose their partners unless they die before them.   Being single is something very normal and common.  

I think that shows how important your point about friendship is, Yitzock.  Even for people in long-term relationships, at some point that person may be gone and other relationships will be the primary ones.   And I also agree that romantic love, particularly that first flush of love, is put on a pedestal.   I'm sure there's some social reason for that!   But I think it causes all sorts of diffculties ... I was elaborating but have deleted as I don't want to go too far off topic!

Last edited by Liberty (July 13, 2016 9:06 pm)

 

July 13, 2016 5:42 pm  #34


Re: Forum Survey - Relationships

I think everyone should do what they please. If marriage is important to you, get married. If you prefer to be single, be single. Anything is fine, it's your life (and your partners, potentially) and no one else's business how you decide to live it.

Personally I want to get married, but that's just because I'm and sod of a romantic. However, I am just as comitted to my man/man friend/partner/boyfriend/hubby (sometimes the English language is lacking!) as I would be if I was married. To me, that's a mental state that is not at all determined by marriage, but by my frame of mind and my emotions.


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July 13, 2016 5:43 pm  #35


Re: Forum Survey - Relationships

Sorry, Vhanja, we cross posted.

Isn't that common elsewhere?!

Last edited by besleybean (July 13, 2016 5:44 pm)


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July 14, 2016 8:25 am  #36


Re: Forum Survey - Relationships

(Happily) married since 2000.
I would not want to have it other way.


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