Thank god, it passed... sorry to freak out like that! 


earlier tonight, or last night I think... it's half 6 right now... still haven't slept... I requested my first pay out from that online service. I actually ended up crying and felt sick when I pressed the send button. I need the money... my aunt borrowed me money so I have more than £10 pounds to buy boring things like food and Hamlet tickets here in August... but honestly. I didn't need all those things I did all of those nights...

I just have a feeling that when (if) I do get to hold the ticket for Hamlet in my hand it won't even feel good... it is going to taint the entire experience... Why was I so stupid??

I've been trying to write a blog tonight, hoping it would help me along the way... I think I'm going to treat it like a diary on my road out of this... I am building myself up to actually stop this.

(even as I'm typing this, I am 'performing'... pathetic) 

I had a confrontation with the man yesterday...I tried to ignore him completely but eventually he made me respond. I tried to keep my distance and not fall into his trap... He ended up getting me to blow up though... saying I was "Obviously in a mood"... I was just so angry at him... I think my anger is a good thing though; it kept me from falling for his usual tricks. 

I tried to tell him why I was in a 'mood'; that it might have something to do with not sleeping at all during the weekend doing the things he is making me do, how degrading it felt to me... I threw in a comment about the fact that I was doing those things for him. He told me it was never for him; he was doing it for me... because I needed it. GRR he obviously gets off on it. I'd rather not be able to afford to eat and living off of trash than doing what I've done... well. What I still do. I best not lie to myself. 

He tried his usual ways of getting me to fall for him and forget what I was going to say... I turned down his advances and told him I wasn't 'in the mood'... Pun very much intended. Idiot. This obviously pissed him off and lo and behold he suddenly had to run to do some work. As if. 

The thing is... I fear the consequences. I'm having flu like symptoms and I fear I will become weak again and then what... what can he have me do next. The words he said when we had only known each other for a while still rings through me. "You have no idea how far I can take you"... even more so my reply which makes me gag now. "I want to go all the way"... How stupid was I?

During our argument... if you call it that; it was me desperately trying to stand up for myself... I even told him to leave me if I was such a bother to him. I was really, really hoping he would. He told me he wasn't going to leave me alone, he was never going to leave... *shivers*. 

Funny thing is... now I finally know his name. Only now. At least I can refer to him as something other than 'Master'. The spell is slowly breaking and I hope I can come up for air soon

Last edited by This Is The Phantom Lady (August 5, 2014 9:17 pm)

I've just have to write that down once because it makes me really sad...
A 'friend' I write with on an internet platform and have done so 5 years long and I planned to go to London together to watch Hamlet and as I do not have a credit card or anything like it she agreed to try to get the tickets. We both agreed on it and everything was clear and we've talked a lot about it.
I've sent her a reminder last night and guess the answer: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, but a friend of mine managed to get tickets for the two of us earlier so I did not have to try it today.
Well, good luck for her, but she did not think one minute to tell me that in advance so that I had the smallest of changes to find someone else to try to get a ticket, so now she's all happy going to London, will be seeing my favourite actor in my favourite play even if she isn't that into Benedict as I am and I've got no chance, just because I was stupid enough to trust her on this.
 

Friends nobody needs. Sorry dor you JN.

Something different:
Can't tell you how sad I am about the death of Robin Williams.
I love "Dead poets society" and "Good mornig Vietnam".
 

Last edited by gently69 (August 12, 2014 7:27 am)

The movies you mentioned, gently, were my two favourites, too.
So sad for Robin and his family. You really can't look into people's heads. Never judge from outward appearances.

Here is a very good piece by James Rhodes about Williams and depression in general:

http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/culture/jamesrhodes/100075913/robin-williams-dies-depression-is-a-cloak-of-lead-a-toxic-second-skin/

A tragic loss(and far too soon)of a great talent. He will be sorely missed
Bev(DPS)

Awwww….     I grew up loving Mrs. Doubtfire, and Hook, too.
How he could be serious, then utterly childlike, showing the importance of making others laugh.
Too many people fighting demons no one else realizes.  Nice link - Rhodes is right about our language.


And erf… sucks, JN.  Surely where you're at, they have those 'gift' Visa/Mastercards you can buy for just a certain amount to use for such a purpose?

JN - not really a friend at all. Terribly disappointing for you and shows she has no moral compass. What a shabby thing to do to someone.

Phantom- well done. Try to cut all links. Keep all messages etc. and when you feel able report him to the police.

Re: Robin Williams...I was so shocked and upset when I heard the news this morning. What a poor tortured yet brilliant soul he was. Dead Poets Society and Good Will Hunting... 

Re: Phantom getting funding:

If the child of a famous celebrity passes through your clinic, you will get funding straight away. It's ugly but the unfortunate reality is that these days people don't fund serious work unlike (a) there has been a disaster like funding for scientists studyng ocean currents & tsunamis skyrocketed after the Boxing Day tsunamis or (b) someone really famous has accessed your services.

We don't want to wish disaster upon large numbers of people so we should go for the second option of having a celebrity mascot. It's still a sell out but not as damaging as option (a).