BBC Sherlock Fan Forum - Serving Sherlockians since February 2012 / I don't want to have kids

**Posted by kittykat** February 6, 2014 7:23 pm

SusiGo wrote:
Of course, Kitty, it's all fine.

*purrs*

**Posted by kittykat** February 6, 2014 7:30 pm

Mind you...if anyone I met ever did start in with "why don't you want kids? is there something wrong with you?" I could just tell them to mind their own effing business. But I like to think I'm more polite than that XD

**Posted by Ormond Sacker** February 6, 2014 7:37 pm

Phantom Lady you sound like the sort of person who should be having kids, it sounds like you'd make a great mother .

/thread hijack.
Oooh another Dane. I was beginning to think I was the only one here. Hello to you Phantom Lady from a fellow Dane.
/end thread hijack

**Posted by This Is The Phantom Lady** February 6, 2014 7:41 pm

Nothing is wrong with you as I see it; the problem lies with those who want to 'force' women to have children just because they have the parts to do so.

Aww all of you! I do hope I get to try it someday!

EDIT: Oooh yay! Hello fellow Dane! How awesome is it to meet someone else from Denmark here?

Last edited by This Is The Phantom Lady (February 6, 2014 7:43 pm)

**Posted by kittykat** February 6, 2014 7:43 pm

Yep, definitely. Maybe those are the ones who regret their choice to have kids? Misery loves company? XD

**Posted by kittykat** February 6, 2014 7:45 pm

This Is The Phantom Lady wrote:
EDIT: Oooh yay! Hello fellow Dane! How awesome is it to meet someone else from Denmark here?

Sherlockians are everywhere; we always find each other ^^

**Posted by Mattlocked** February 6, 2014 7:45 pm

Keep in mind that there also might be some who regret their choice NOT having kids.

**Posted by kittykat** February 6, 2014 7:56 pm

Yeah, I know. But I'm pretty sure I won't regret this

**Posted by Ormond Sacker** February 6, 2014 8:03 pm

This Is The Phantom Lady wrote:
EDIT: Oooh yay! Hello fellow Dane! How awesome is it to meet someone else from Denmark here?

Very awesome indeed. I have a few friends that love Sherlock too, mostly because I introduced them to it, but none with my passion. Most of them think I'm quite crazy. So I was beginning to wonder if I was the only one here. It's so nice not to be.

@Mattlocked. I'm quite aware that some people, men and women both, regret later on not having children. I doubt I will since I've been of the same opinion since I was about 17. I also may regret not having read engineering in stead of information science, I may regret a whole lot of choices I make in my life.
What makes me so annoyed is that while all those other choices are mine and whether I rejoice in them or regret is left up to me, my status as childless-by-choice is apparently public domain to be commented upon and criticised by everybody and their uncle. Particularly their uncle .

**Posted by kittykat** February 6, 2014 8:13 pm

I'm not in contact with any uncles, so I wouldn't know ^^

Come to think of it...I actually think that my aunt, my dad's sister, doesn't have kids. And she's in her forties, I think. She seems happy enough

**Posted by Deilenn** February 6, 2014 8:20 pm

I can say, in brief, that I am personally not fond of small kids so I'm not sure if I ever want them. Well, so far I haven't been attracted by the idea of me being a mother, and I just don't feel a maternal instinct. Then again, I'm only 22 so I have still time for that but yet I can't be sure if this won't change in the future.
But yeah, it's an individual issue of every woman and should be respected. I think both decisions of having or not having kids are mature, if you are certain of them. However, what's immature is when you suddenly find out you're going to have a baby and you cry because you didn't want it, and you don't know what to do now because you're not ready to become a mother.

**Posted by kittykat** February 6, 2014 8:26 pm

I agree. If you're mature enough to know what you do and don't want, then you should be mature enough to make a decision if you do find yourself pregnant.

**Posted by Mattlocked** February 6, 2014 9:16 pm

Of course you are right, Ormond. I was simply referring to this. Just trying to keep in mind both sides:

kittykat wrote:
Yep, definitely. Maybe those are the ones who regret their choice to have kids? Misery loves company? XD

**Posted by saturnR** February 7, 2014 8:39 am

Hi kittykat

I just wanted to share my experience as someone who has had to wrestle with the exact same issue. I am on the cusp of being converted to wanting to have children when I was very stringently against it ever since my teens.

I am on my last leg of my twenties and the thought of having a 3 to prefix my age is giving me a wake up call. I can't say that I want to have tonnes like in Cheaper By The Dozen but I am open to having at least one child - whether natural or adopted.

People have said the same thing about relationships. They say that when you are ready you will know. I never understood what they meants until recently I've become a bit more mature (just coz of age) & I can see that I was actively sabotaging would-be relationships because I was not ready & I was terrified.

Eventually you will know if you really want to have kids or not without prodding by anybody. But you won't know until that happens and the timing of that happening is not something that we can control. Just don't rush into it either way - quick to say yes or quick to say no; until you reach that point where you can say "I am speaking for myself" & not "I am reacting against what everyone else is telling me", you won't know for sure what it is you really want.

Speaking for me, I am still anti-marriage. I think it's a terrible institution and if I ever find a partner, I'd like to just be with them without all that legal/spiritual/social nonsense. Let's just say that I am more open to children than I am about marriage

From Saturn

Last edited by saturnR (February 7, 2014 8:39 am)

**Posted by ancientsgate** February 7, 2014 8:57 am

I will give you a perspective from "the other side" of life. I'll be 65 next summer, and we have two adult sons who are 39 and 30, and two grandchildren who are 5 and 8. Sure, kids come along with heartache and illness and headaches of all kinds, and financially they're amazingly expensive, but kids are pretty cool, too, and grandchildren are just the frosting on the cake. To look into their faces and see *you* and your husband looking back at you-- whoa, it's mind-boggling and quite wonderful.

I was never a kid-lover or a baby-lover, not by a long shot, but there's something that happens to straight women when they marry a man-- I believe it's something deeply seated in us biologically, maybe to ensure the continuation of the human race or something, lol-- but for the majority of women, it's a pretty basic thing-- almost a compulsion-- to have their husband's children. Sorry, it's hard to describe in words.

You are very young and haven't met your life partner yet. When you're older, and if you do find that right person, give yourself the freedom to change your mind about children. And don't be surprised if you do change your mind. Or not. It's all good. But I hope you won't think you have your life all decided about and written in stone at your tender age, my dear-- you have decades ahead of you, and you will make many decisions during that time that you can't even dream about now.

OK, stepping off my grandma soap box.

**Posted by ancientsgate** February 7, 2014 9:03 am

saturnR wrote:
....Speaking for me, I am still anti-marriage. I think it's a terrible institution and if I ever find a partner, I'd like to just be with them without all that legal/spiritual/social nonsense. Let's just say that I am more open to children than I am about marriage

Awww, that's too bad. Being married is wonderful, if you're married to a good person. It is important to choose wisely, for sure, because when you stand there and say "till death do us part," well, that's a long, long time. My husband and I have anniversary # 43 coming up in April, and it's been a wonderful ride. Easy? No. But there's nothing like being part of a team. Nowadays, it's not necessary to be part of a family team, but there's something to be said for that traditional idea of two people, one family, under one roof with their kids, fur babies, and shared bank accounts. And here in the US, there are taxation, insurance, and other financial benefits of marriage that become *real* important later on in life. Just my perspective.

**Posted by kittykat** February 7, 2014 1:40 pm

Saying that I'll change my mind because I'm still young? Yeah, I read about that one XD

I hear what you're saying, but there's pretty much no point in trying to change my mind

**Posted by SpiralStaircase** February 7, 2014 2:15 pm

I don't have children, neither do I want any, or have ever wanted any (I'm nearly 42). Hubby and I are quite happy how we are. I don't dislike children, I just think life is too short to do something you really don't want to do. If you love kids and want lots - well, great, good for you - but it just aint for me.

**Posted by kittykat** February 7, 2014 2:19 pm

SpiralStaircase wrote:
I don't have children, neither do I want any, or have ever wanted any (I'm nearly 42). Hubby and I are quite happy how we are. I don't dislike children, I just think life is too short to do something you really don't want to do. If you love kids and want lots - well, great, good for you - but it just aint for me.

*hugs* ^^ Glad to see I'm not alone in knowing for sure that I don't ever want any!

**Posted by Harriet** February 7, 2014 2:24 pm

Which is quite a wise decision, actually.