BBC Sherlock Fan Forum - Serving Sherlockians since February 2012 » Free Rants

This Is The Phantom Lady · December 2, 2016 10:05 am

I'm on my way to celebrate my aunts Birthday... and this time she invited some of my most racist family members.

I can't stomach that! I have the woman on my Facebook and the stuff she posts makes me sick.

I know they don't like me... I'm 'fatherless' and fir whatever reason I look Spanish. Especially now I dyed my hair black.

So what did I do? Put Christmas stuff in my hair to 'please' them.

I shouldn't be doing that!!

This Is The Phantom Lady · December 2, 2016 5:13 pm

I probably should have. They even indirectly called my mum a wh*re in front of us...

And my phone is broken now. My new one is at home and I won't get home before tomorrow... And I really need it. I need my music and I need it for distractions and in case something happens... Gah!

Yitzock · December 2, 2016 6:21 pm

Sorry to hear that you will have to put up with racist family members. I have to make myself listen to a lot of prejudiced comments every time I have to visit my grandmother, it's irritating. You can do it!

This Is The Phantom Lady · December 2, 2016 10:58 pm

Ugh. I just can't handle it.

I don't like my mother... but it was an insult to me as well. They made some horrible joke about a prostitute who didn't know who fathered her child.

That's always been my mum's 'cover' story... that she doesn't know who my dad is.

The real story wouldn't sit well with them either I guess... that he was married to another woman and he chose to save his marriage rather than own up to his responsibility.

This Is The Phantom Lady · December 10, 2016 4:54 am

Not sure how much of a rant this is...

But I'm having a pretty messed up night (well it turned into morning) and I still haven't been to bed... I've done some stupid things...

One of the 'less' stupid things was to log on to the dating chat where I met my boyfriend... and there I saw that my old, old ex way back from 2011 was online. And that he was still giving the sweet nickname I gave him... that feels so odd.

I actually thought about him recently... how I'm pretty glad it ended the way it did and all. He was way, way too old for me (not that I mind age differences) but I'm 26 and he turned 60 this year! And he ended up meeting a nice person, and a lot more sane than I was at the time. And today I have my boyfriend who is within an acceptable age range... we can actually have children if we want!

So... why did I feel so weird?

This Is The Phantom Lady · December 18, 2016 8:22 pm

I just had another, small health scare and I'm trying to ignore it.

I was bleeding from my good ear. It freaked me out a bit; I'm already nearly deaf on my left ear and my hearing isn't that good on the other one either.

So far I still seem to be hearing the way I usually do; even with some sickness coming which normally makes my hearing worse.

I'll try not to think too much about it.

Yitzock · December 18, 2016 11:50 pm

That does sound kind of scary. Could you by any chance tell whether it was coming from inside your ear or somewhere on the outer ear? If it was inside, you might want to get it checked, but if it's the outer ear it could be something that will go away (a couple times I had something that looked like a bite or a clogged pore on my ear that bled but then it was fine after a little while).

This Is The Phantom Lady · December 19, 2016 7:12 am

I don't know... it wasn't a lot though.

I've had nosebleeds too... but yeah.

I saw the doctor about those and the dizziness and she did some motoric tests on me and came to the conclusion that I had low blood pressure and that she couldn't explain the nosebleed...

I guess when you struggle with one of your senses you always fear losing it. I was completely deaf for a couple of days as a child because I had an ear infection. Since then I've been scared of silence

Last edited by This Is The Phantom Lady (December 19, 2016 7:13 am)

This Is The Phantom Lady · December 22, 2016 3:30 pm

I had my last therapy session (before I have to wait a year to start intensive PTSD treatment) and yeah, it didn't go that well.

Because of Christmas I've sort of 'shut down' mentally and haven't worked on the tasks and coping methods my therapist gave me the last weeks. I've gone back to my old methods of repressing and pretending I don't feel anything... basically that emotions doesn't exist (sounds familiar?).

She was disappointed with me... and she told me after, and said sorry too, that she sort of lost hope about my recovery. I have promised her that once Christmas is over I will go back to working on what I've learned, and I still remember them... just right now it's more about 'surviving' (sorry, that sounds so dramatic) but yeah.

This wasn't how I wanted to end therapy, though. *sigh*.

Yitzock · December 22, 2016 10:39 pm

Isn't that a quote from The Theory of Everything ?
I'm sure that it's just a bad day/time and things will look up eventually. You know you can do the things you need to do.

Last edited by Yitzock (December 22, 2016 10:39 pm)

This Is The Phantom Lady · December 23, 2016 7:41 am

It's a lovely quote!!

I've been given anti anxiety and sleeping meds this week... tonight I managed to mess up how I took them. First it was pretty nice as I managed to get high but I quickly crashed and had cold sweats and spent the rest of the night and morning clutching a bucket. Ugh.

I called my doctor about it, and he was a bit worried to hear I had been told to start on both at the sane time... when I'm already on a morphine like tablet...

I told the psychiatrist everything I took and she dismissed it when she gave me the prescription.

So yeah... my doctor helped me tweak how I take it so hopefully tonight will be better

This Is The Phantom Lady · January 4, 2017 6:16 pm

I know it's been days now... but New Years Eve is still bothering me.

Luckily Sherlock helps to distract me now...

Well, this girl was there... she has no real concept of personal space... and yeah. Long story short. She's too much for me.
In a lot of ways she's cool. She has some interesting points when you have discussions with her; being a feminist and LGBT as well. And Sherlockian and Whovian too.

I just... yeah. I have PTSD and one trigger is touch. We spent all of the party teasing the boys and sort of splitting up into 'us and them'... the drunker we all got, the more touchy and 'showing off' it got from the girls side. I was a part of it too... and I did get a bit too drunk.

She kissed me at midnight. It was 'just' a dry-lip kiss, and considering we had kissed on the cheek a million times... I guess I'm too much of a prude... but I don't kiss when I'm in a relationship.

Then later it got too much for one of the guys who started shouting (again PTSD trigger for me). I panicked and practically ran to the bathroom and locked the door. He continued to shout while I was in there... about how awful the girls had treated him (basically that they hadn't been interested in him). His brother managed to talk him somewhat down and sent him home...

I felt like a freak when I crawled out of the bathroom. everyone asked if I was okay. Which is a good thing... I had just preferred no one saw me like that.

I stayed there until Monday, though... we were watching Sherlock together... I hadn't gotten much sleep either... but thank goodness for energy drinks.

Oh, and I immediately told my boyfriend about the kiss. I had already warned him about the girl... and he wasn't mad.

This Is The Phantom Lady · January 16, 2017 1:59 pm

I'm tired... emotionally... mentally drained.

I've not been well for a while... having bad nightmares at night, random memories popping up left and right (that I can't turn back into dogs... ) I am falling apart.

But I have to be the strong one. I have to be the 'grown up' for everyone.
My aunt with her laptop problems (and dear lord. now getting a smart phone too)... my best friend having to go to the hospital this week for a procedure; and her having a panic attack the other night. I was there... I will be there on Thursday at the hospital too.

And I texted my mum to tell her that I'd be doing that... and I don't know, I assumed she would understand if I'd be traveling to support my friend at a hospital I would need some time off after... nope. "I assume you're still coming on Friday"

Like hell I am going to spend a weekend there after all this. Surrounded by physical painful childhood memories for 48 hours...

Plus... I can't afford it; either. I am 'okay' on money as in I'm glad my fridge and freezer is full and I've got an emergency stash of noodles... so; sure I can afford to both travel to be with my best friend, and visiting her (sarcasm off)

I think the worst part is that she genuinely doesn't understand how it could be exhausting with me to spend time with her, in that house, near that school. How f*cking blind can someone be??

Yitzock · January 16, 2017 2:31 pm

Some people just don't know how stressful they are as company, either because they think of themselves more than others or they think they are always in the right. And there's no convincing them, unfortunately, of anything else.

Last edited by Yitzock (January 16, 2017 2:31 pm)

This Is The Phantom Lady · January 16, 2017 2:46 pm

Yeah, I know that... it just hurts. She was emotionally and physically abusive towards me; she's still emotionally manipulating... and still she genuinely believes she's an amazing mother and that I need her when I have issues.

Which is a big part of why I'm planning on breaking contact.

Yitzock · January 17, 2017 3:00 pm

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like I thought you didn't know that, just trying to say that I understand what you mean. It does hurt.

besleybean · January 17, 2017 6:17 pm

Don't know if I should mention it on the forum at all, or if this is the right place.
But chatting to one of my colleagues today, who is a Sherlock fan.
Unfortunately she referred to the current media stories of Benedict and Martin's ' bad relationship.'
A load of rubbish of course, but that's the British press for you.
Some of it is just the pits.

This Is The Phantom Lady · January 17, 2017 9:48 pm

I wasn't even aware of those stories... what a shame people have time for such things. I try to focus on their work more than that. My aunt sometimes gets angry when I'm not 'up to date' on British celeb drama since she makes a point of reading some of the more colourful British papers daily online... saying it helps keep her English updated.

Ah well.

Also, Yitzock, sorry if I snapped. I am actually grateful for someone seeing it from that perspective as well. I just wasn't in a good place yesterday...

besleybean · January 17, 2017 9:49 pm

We now have a dedicated thread for the news stories.

Yitzock · January 18, 2017 9:20 pm

I had not seen those stories. I don't pay much attention to that stuff. I'm sure it's not true.

It's OK, Phantom. You didn't snap. I just wanted to make sure there was no misunderstanding.