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I am currently crying... and I feel a little stupid. I watched the Elle interview with Benedict and he was asked how he would describe how Love feels... and he replied "Home"

It triggered a lot of worries and concerns I have been repressing lately... in regard to my boyfriend. 

I say "I love you" a lot... and the times he says it back it feels amazing, especially the first time. I think I treat 'I love you' as a promise... 
A promise that I am his. But I feel like I don't really understand love... (I know, I know... who really does?) 

I do know I want to spend the rest of my life with him... I know he's my first thought in the morning, I know he makes me laugh and smile even if I was crying... I know seeing pictures of him being sweet with his new baby niece I feel an urge to give him his own child... I know I can't sleep when he's unwell, and I'd do anything to make it better. 

But the thing is... Benedict hit the nail on the head for me just now. my 'home' growing up was never a home... so how will I know it? 

To explain it in short I grew up in prison-like conditions with my own mother as the guard. It was all stick and no comfort, no hugs, no forgiveness just punishment. 

And to be honest sometimes I worry I won't even be able to handle a normal and caring relationship... because it will be too alien (and what probably explains how I got in trouble with my ex idiot) 

I just hope I'm capable of it. Growing up I didn't really experience any people in relationships. My family consists of single women, and even my mum's friends were... 

The only thing I had to base anything on were films... and I assume not many real live love stories look like Disney

I don't think I've ever cried this much before. 

My mum called me an hour ago to tell me she had to put the dog down. He's been sick for a while now with an enlarged heart and was gathering fluid in his stomach and recently his lungs too. 

Months ago I told mum when it was time she should get it overwith for his sake, rather than wait for me to say goodbye and all that. I'm happy she listened. 

But yeah... I was prepared but it still hit me so hard. He has been there for me for the last 12 years always at my side when I lived at home and when I came to visit he was there too... he always protected me and comforted me. 

I'm actually happy in a way that it happened now... he always had anxiety, and with his heart problems I was seriously worried about all the fireworks and noise and people. 

But yeah... I miss him. 

Thank you. 

I lost two thirds of my family the last 10 years... but this one hit me so hard. He was such a good boy. And for a lot of years he was my only real friend. He loved my mother, but he always protected me from her. 

I have so many good memories with him. All the way back to holding him the first time when we picked him weeks before we could take him home; and he fit in the palm of my hand... the way he could send you a look; almost all cartoonish and you'd know what he wanted... what a little 'jerk' could be when you walked him on the field where he got to run free and he'd stop at the tree where he was taught to stop... but when I came to put the leash on him he'd look up at me and take one step forward just as I almost clicked it on... how happy he got when I got home after moving away (and how he actually became depressed when I moved away...) 

And the whole affair with Findus, one of the cats... Findus is brain damaged and his skull is deformed, we don't know how it happened because two boys found him as a kitten, mum took him in and we searched for the owner but all the posters were taken down so we kept him. 
But yeah... it means there's things he doesn't understand. If you tell him off he shakes his head and the minute after he's forgotten about it. As a kitten you could call him to eat and he'd start sprinting, then get confused and lie down. 

Well... that also means he has no idea Micky was a dog... and that Micky really didn't like him half as much as Findus liked Micky. Findus would follow him everywhere... cuddle up next to him, brush against him and purr... and Micky would sent you a desperate look sometimes like "OMG, get him off me!!!"


 

Thank you. It helped a bit to be out today meeting my best friend and stuff... it got my mind off stuff. 


But coming home so many thoughts and problems are filling my head again. 
Christmas is coming before we know it... and yeah, I have always been a big fan, even after I lost my religion. Not of the big evening per se... but I love all the glitter stuff, the candy, the trees and all that. It's always filled me with some childish joy. It was one of the times in a year I got to enjoy stuff... (until the big night when mum got stressed and took it out on me). But yeah. 

Christmas eve has been 'tolerable' the last 12 years because of Micky. I would always take a bit of care of him, sit with him; and after dinner before we'd light the tree and give presents it was a 'tradition' that I went to walk him. It's no joke about it being a 'Silent Night'. especially on the country side. 

Now I can't even do that. Yuck. 

Well, I could still go for a walk... and I guess I probably will... he was just a lovely companion. He loved that walk too... him having anxiety too the silence was amazing for him, during those weeks with constant fireworks 

I'm feeling conflicted at the moment.

So I'm taking a class on early jazz this semester and we have two options for the final project: we either write an essay or do a performance.
For most of the semester I have been planning on doing an essay since I wanted to get into some of the historical stuff, but my professor seems to be trying to persuade me to do a performance. 
He says it would be cool if I would play trombone, even though I told him I don't really have anywhere to practice (I could maybe practice in the basement room in my residence building, I once heard someone playing their violin in there, but it's not ideal).  I feel kind of guilty having my trombone here and not playing it, but at the same time I don't know if I'd be good enough.  I've performed a bunch of times before, but this is a bit different.
I like playing my trombone when I'm by myself, but I don't know if I could do a solo performance, since I don't really want to make a group with other people in the class since I don't know them and a lot of them are music students and probably better than me.
And that's the thing.  For the performance, we can either play a standard or do a jazz version of some other kind of song (he gave the example of doing a swing version of a Beatles song).  I have an idea for each of those, but I'm not super confident in my ability to execute it.  I've never arranged anything and while I can sometimes figure stuff out by ear, it's hard for me and I might have trouble figuring out what key I'm in.  I'm really good at music in other ways, but some stuff just goes over my head, or is just a big challenge, even after all these years.
But now that he's planted the seed, I no longer feel stable or certain of my choice to do an essay and am thinking about doing a performance.  He made me feel guilty for wanting to do an essay instead of a performance (even though he gave us both options from the start!) and I wanted to cry.  
So, I don't know what to do.
I don't know how he's going to mark either of them, really, since he hasn't given us details, but he's a pretty chill guy.  But he says he mentioned that he'll be able to tell if we "only put 15 minutes into" the preparation of the performance.  I'm not sure I can be creative enough to do a good performance (even if I put more than "15 minutes" into it - will he be able to tell?), but like I said before, he made me doubt my choice and feel guilty for not playing my trombone.  It's just been sitting in my room all semester, even though I couldn't come to school without it because the thought didn't sit right with me.  I wanted to bring it just in case.  This would be my "just in case."  
But I just don't know what to do...

Last edited by Yitzock (November 1, 2016 8:45 pm)

Thanks for reading, you two.

While he has been influencing me, it's not like these weren't thoughts I had had already.  And it's not like I don't enjoy playing...
But maybe something that I feel more confident doing will be better...
I still need to think about this.

That was such a good fic, Lily! There's a chance they are busy and haven't had the time to read it properly yet? 

Don't forget to have a look (and a listen) at the video that inspired it ;)

I'm thinking it's possible that your colleague was busy, Lily.  Or perhaps have not recollected their thoughts yet and so are not ready to say anything?

I suppose it's possible that my professor just wants to push me, but I don't know if he can see potential since he's never heard me play.