Anxiety sucks, really.

For a lot of reasons I haven't left my home since Saturday... well I was outside twice to take the trash out and Tuesday I had a visit from the delivery guy with my groceries...

I have to go out soon... I have therapy at 9 and this afternoon I'll be hopping on a busy train to go visit my best friend and celebrate her birthday with her all weekend. We're going to a bar too and stuff.

I don't feel ready but I also know staying home doesn't help my anxiety at all... and it's my best friends Birthday. So I have to...

I don't know why I bother trying to keep my mum up to date with my life. 

Last week my therapist finally finished a report to my case-worker about my situation and mental health and what meant for me work wise... Her final conclusion was that after all the trauma in my life and the 'possible' PTSD (she hasn't had time to officially give me the diagnosis, but she thinks I have it). And even with trauma based therapy she has found I will not be fit for working... ever. 

She gave me a copy of the report... and yeah that hurt a bit to read. In print it actually said that what those people did ruined my life. 

I've been trying to make the best of it; realizing if I can't work maybe I can be put on proper disability and I'll have more time for my writing and maybe other creative outlets... and like I told my boyfriend when he moves here I can "be a proper housefrau and bake cookies'n'sh*t" (now that was a joke and he knows it, lol. My cooking is horrible)

Of course my mother didn't find that funny. (also, she doesn't know a lot of the stuff behind that diagnosis... or will ever admit that she has a big part of the blame) but well... she started going on about how dull my life would be without a job, and I'd probably drive my boyfriend mad if I was home all the time and then I'd lose him... and how she wondered if I'd lose my benefits now I wasn't "work ready". 
So by her logic sick and disabled people are just left without a penny? I don't believe that. 
And it really wasn't what I needed to hear. 

I'm trying really hard to just take it as it comes. I don't have much faith in the system, but I don't want to believe they just leave you without any form of help 'just' because you were abused. 

GAH.

 

Last edited by This Is The Phantom Lady (September 2, 2016 10:23 pm)

Thank you, both of you!

It's most likely her being manipulative. Her greatest worry right now is probably what SHE is going to tell people if I don't get a job like normal people do. 

My mum was always big on facades... The entire family believes she's a wonderful mother and I'm a very polite and intelligent young woman; and they all admire my mum's work as a single parent... so does her friends, so does everyone... 

She has been telling people that I'm a bit 'down' lately about not being able to find a job... because telling the truth that I'm in therapy and working on getting better (what I apparently can't) will make my mum look bad. 

Truth be told I am realizing I was always the grownup around my mum. She was always sober but she was always emotionally unstable... and she used me as her punching bag when she was angry and frustrated and these days she uses me as a therapist (when she's not controlling me) 

I am seriously considering walking out on my family. Every time I am forced to be around them I end up worse. And somehow I think if I do have children it's easier to explain I just don't have parents rather than "Uh, no you can't be around grandma when I'm not watching you constantly"

Sorry about your mum and hers too. I guess it's something I need to learn to navigate (or eventually walk away from... ) 

Well today's rant is a bit of a smaller one... It's been a strange weekend... and I'm getting sick. I've had headaches, been tired and my back and hip has been exceptionally bad... and I've been trying all sorts of things to get better... yesterday when my hip was worst I even went for a walk into town and did some comfort shopping... (and ended up having a panic attack because I forgot there was a clown festival in town and suddenly my way was blocked by a bunch of clowns and kids running around with balloons... and I happen to have actual phobias of those two things...(Imagine I worked in the basement of a hospital's children's ward where the hospital clowns had their changing room!!!))

Today my hip was a bit better, but I felt I was getting more sick... and what do I do? The weather forecast on the telly had warned about a cloudburst (is that the right word??) but when my friends asked me if I wanted to go with them to a health exhibition in my town I decided to go... and I checked another weather forecast on my phone not saying anything about rain... 

well, the first one was right, and I got soaked through to the bone. I'm now convinced I'll wake up with the flu in the morning, and just hope it won't become a chest infection. I had to walk pretty far and when I got home my clothes were so heavy with rain. 

On a good note I met a really nice lady at the exhibition who sold scented oils... she gave me a small bottle of something that should help me with my anxiety, she let me find the one that calmed me most and gave me the this little dropper bottle of it for free. My friends are pretty big on crystals and health foods and that... I don't know how much I am, but I know that oil seems to help... if anything it fits with one of the coping methods my therapy is trying to teach me "soothing with the senses". I've got the bottle in my purse and there it will stay if I start to get anxious somewhere. 

 

So... I'll have to attend a funeral one of these days. 

A family member died last night... it was merciful for her as she was very ill with her 3rd cancer and have been suffering from bad dementia for the last years... she's at peace now. I'm sad she's gone though, but I have been for years since the dementia practically took her away. 

The thing is... people won't stop saying that same thing; how someone my age have been to far too many funerals. (which was why I started not showing up...) but this time I have to go. I refused to show my face at family funerals for the sake of the others... I overheard a widow whisper to someone what a shame it was for me to have been through so many deaths when I was 16. I agreed with myself not showing up was kinder than that. 

So... I think we're around 2 thirds of my family that were taken away by cancer. And for some reason it's the nice ones it seems to target. 

 

Oh, Phantom, I'm so sorry...
*hugs*

I've been trying to both ignore and come to terms with some information I also received during the weekend... but I'm in a bit of emotional lock-down. 

My mum told me that the son of one of her good friends have been put in jail for assault (one of the young men who abused me when I was a child... this one mum caught in the act but didn't really act on it). 

Apparently he had been to court for one assault and was sent home with an ankle-brace, but then managed to assault someone else while wearing it... and my mum was horrified that the police came and picked him up without a warning. 

Excuse me. What the heck is wrong with her logic?? 

Ugh, I hope you manage to find some 'go'! Maybe coffee helps? 

I have a mountain of documents to print and both printers run out of toner simultaneously....

Nooo! Now that's what I call a Monday. yuck!