Monday, the day he comes back online and gets to read that email... He already knows about my past... but I felt I needed to explain some things further. 

It won't be easy for him to hear how I really grew up. I have always said that if I was literary character I'd complain that the backstory was way too unrealistic and verging on 'emotional p*rn'. 

But the gist of it is that I've had my habit since I was at least 4 years old, so he's really not to blame... 

We use video-calls to talk normally... so that's for free. Thank goodness. And I would prefer to be able to talk about things... face to face (well, considering he's in Holland and I in Denmark...). But there are things my tongue won't pronounce. So I know I might never get this out. I suppose a good therapist (If I ever get through the waiting list *rolls eyes*) might say I'm traumatized... I have tried to talk to him... the person I trust most in this world some things before and no sound came out. 

I really hope so. Thank you Lily! Waiting 8 months for therapy when you finally managed to ask for help is... difficult. 

Another rant from me... This weekend's family meal exposed how unhealthy my family is for me. 'No sh*t Sherlock!'

My mum spent the 2 days I was there finding ways to tell me I weigh too much. And then she screamed at me because I accidentally spoke louder when helping her in the kitchen (I am almost deaf on one ear and my hearing is reduced on the other one as well... so when I'm in noisy places I can't even hear my own voice). She knows this, but she chose to get mad at me. 

My aunt texted me while on the train asking me what I was doing, I told her I was just about to get off at the station... and yet she calls me needing tech advice with her laptop she only uses once or twice a week; and getting off on a train station is a pretty stressful experience already when you deal with anxiety and PTSD... And I even think she called my mum later to tell her I had been rude, despite I calmly guided her through it all, and she never thanked me. 

The meal was a disaster... my mum got really bad toothache, and I of all people was the only one to notice and try to help her. My aunt kept babbling about her laptop and phone... 
(on a positive note she decided to cut my debt to her in half as payment for my help)... 

My mum's aunt has a poorly leg... and she's getting more and more distracted... but suddenly I realized I was the only 'grown up' there. I realized that when I had to run to get her a band-aid when she cut her finger 

It sounds so petty I know... but with all that goes before it... all the history... this is toxic to me. 
But I'm forced to go back next week... part of the deal with my aunt is that she's picking me up next weekend to look at her laptop. 

*deep breaths* I am starting to regret that I got back in touch with them after what happened the Christmas before last. 

I don't know if this should go into the 'current affairs' section... 

But... The minister who legalized samesex marriages here some years ago has just been sued by a member of the public and the case has made it to court. He's to stand before a judge and 'explain his actions'. 

WTF! I will never learn to understand how two people getting married can hurt someone else. (well unless you're in love with at least one of the participants). 

Being one of the LGBT people here, this hurts. 

Just a really quick rant...

I have a really mild tic disorder which is mostly under control and most people don't even notice I have it.

But tonight it's been really bad (in my terms anyway) and I've had this jerky head shake happening every 10 minutes to half an hour and now it's subsided my neck is all stiff and I just feel like crying because it hurts. To be fair it' probably migraine related as my right side feels all weird.

And that news about the same sex marriage legalising minister in Denmark is very upsetting too... why do people think it has anything to do with them?

Thanks besleybean.

I'm wondering about the "100procent happy and energetic" concept some people have. I'm not 100 percent fine right now, and am told that I'm struggling too much and won't get where I want to go. huh? they try to discourage me instead giving me a proper heads up... Can't stand their unrealistic pink fluffy worlds where everyone can give 100 percent without any struggle. They cannot make me less ill, and I'm not going to lie in my bed until the sun comes out again, no thanks. So why not support me so I can do at least as much as I'm able to right now? Meeting s.o. suffering from depression makes people say "ah come on, it's nothing" or "ahhh, you cannot do anything, you're too ill" far too much. Welcome to black-n-white world. Ugh. Angry. Sorry.
 

Last edited by Whisky (February 3, 2016 11:03 pm)

Sorry to hear that Whiskey, like Besley just said I suppose some do mean well but all the wrong things come out. I hope you feel better soon, better in your own terms! 

Besley, about weight loss, first of all congratulations! You should be proud of yourself too! It's hard work! 
I worked at a Children's Obesity Clinic, I loved that job. But the 'funny' thing was that all the dietitians and nurses the kids met were skinny women who have never had any fat on their bones. 
I actually met the mother of a patient at the jobcenter during a meeting, I mentioned where I had worked and she felt compelled to talk to me... I'm a big girl and I do need to lose weight as well (my problem being eating disorders and other disorders I'm waiting on therapy for... I know all the stuff, what to eat, what not to eat, how the body functions during weight loss...) 
She complained how selfconcious her son felt at the clinic with all those skinny women, and she literally asked me how patients had reacted when they met me. 
I was a secretary and a research assistant, and one of my job was conducting condition tests on the kids. It made me think what the woman asked me... lots of those kids bonded with me and I had a bigger success rate at making the kids run rather than my other co-workers. 
And there was one instance I was particularly happy to be there... 

There was a little girl who was very emotional, and she didn't want to run. I smiled at her and told her it was okay to walk instead. (it would ruin the research, but at least the child would get some exercise) and instantly her mother barked both at her and me. "No. She's running!!" And the poor kid was about to cry.I saw myself in her and I knew yelling at her would never work.
The kid was jogging when we started... and the mother kept complaining to her that she wasn't doing it well enough... during one of the breaks I approached the girl with a glass of water and out of the mother's earshot I told her "You know, you're doing a really good job" with a big proud smile on my face. 
The kid lit up and she ran the rest of the test. 

I wish the mother would learn that too... she's going to ruin it for her kid. But sadly it was not my place to talk to her about it.  

 

I just wish my hand would hurry up and heal. Typing still hurts!

Awww no Phantom... It's strange as I just came on to say I was having a bit of a hard time with a RP I'm reading on tumblr... it's got PTSD as a main component and even though it's fun, it's really hard reading it as a sufferer, so I understand your concerns.

And I didn't manage to sleep well, when I was working really hard all weekend catering, as I was on a mattress which definintely contained latex all weekend and I'm allergic.

Though my weekend doesn't sound as awful as yours poor lovely.


Many hugs for you.