I am crying for such a silly reason... I miss my boyfriend. He went on holiday on Friday, won't return before the 14th... he never managed to afford a new laptop and now his brother's laptop broke too. So, I can't get in touch with him. I try to make the best of it... but... damn. I need my daily dose of him. Even the weekends seem long when he couldn't borrow a laptop. 

Tuesday I had a meeting with a job coach and we talked about many things... I mentioned that I dreamed of a career I could use in The Netherlands too, because that's where my bf lives... it came up in the conversation that he's brain damaged and straight away she told me he wasn't good for me... she listed all sorts of reasons why I would be better off with someone 'normal'. I never even got to tell her how much or how little he's affected... she just decided it wasn't right for me. 

He's a grown man, he lives with his problems. He sometimes struggles to say the right words and forgets stuff and needs reminding a million times of stuff (but honestly, doesn't that apply for most men??) I got so angry! 

I know she wanted to protect me... I've not had the most easy life and I'm working on stuff... but she doesn't know how amazing he's been with me. He works so hard on building up my confidence. He would do anything to see me smile. 

I also know where she got all those horror stories from... a woman in my class has a brain damaged ex husband who was a lot more affected, and she had a session with her the day before. But, you just can't judge all people the same. WTF! 

... And today I got an 'emergency' appointment with my therapist even if I'm still on a long waiting list. It's not as bad as it sounds, but the job center wants proof that I am not all that well, something with the money I am getting to pay my rent and stuff... and for some reason I started crying there... she had read my file and tried to get me to smile by asking about my boyfriend... well... that had the opposite effect. Blah. I'm happy it was raining when I left. 

Oh well, at least I have him. And he took his mandatory leave now so he could have access to a laptop at work during Christmas... he knows my family will drive me nuts and I'll need him to make me giggle. 

*deep breaths*

She thought she was doing me a favour... oh well. I know better. 
Thank you Lily. I just miss him. But it's special to have someone I can actually miss... I have lived most of my life as a 'phantom' and never really let myself get close to people... as soon as people did I would vanish; preferably without a trace. I generally don't like people. 


Ugh. And I don't like myself today. I don't know when I'll learn not to be a 'hero'. 
I was visiting my mum this weekend, and today we went to a shop to get cat food and some other items. The only kind of food the cats can now eat without getting sick had been placed on the very top shelf. I am a bit taller than my mum, and I couldn't see any of the shop people around so I decided to get on my toes and reach for it, finding it to be way heavier than I had estimated as well. 

I have scoliosis and at least one slipping disc in my spine... this is just what I needed *rolls eyes*. 
I almost passed out on the shop floor, ugh. It still hurts so much. 
Saturday I spent baking my favourite Christmas cookies, baking and cooking hurts too. Especially in mum's kitchen; it's built in a time when people were much shorter apparently. But I managed to fill 3 cake tins! 

I just... ugh. I hate not being able to do stuff without having to deal with pains and have to go lie down. I'm only 25! 

Gah. I hate when people say stuff like that! Sorry you had to endure that! 

I dislike Bieber, and I can get caught ranting about him with people I know and who feels the same way... I'd NEVER start to talk him down to a fan. Blegh. 

Some people have no sense really. 

Some people just see but don't observe. *rolls eyes*

Drunk drivers!!! 

My mum had a rude awakening the other night; a car suddenly burst through her stone wall, her green hedge and into her yard. Apparently the driver and his friends who had held a party at the nearby school all gathered and tried to move the car before someone saw them... and when they realized my mum was awake and looking out to see what was going on they became rather threatening in their behaviour. Mum then called the cops that came quite quickly... the drunk driver resisted the breath test and got very angry... 

My mum had a good talk with the guy who drove with him, the other guy wasn't drunk... but he had been mildly damaged (complained of a sore neck etc) and mum had to convince him to go to the ER; and also gave him the talk she gave me some years ago about NEVER driving with someone who's drunk. 

Mum's yard now looks horrible. And I can't help but wonder if she's completely safe; what if they have it in for her now? 

And the dog... the poor dog! He suffers with anxiety and he's not been the same. Mum had to put up emergency fencing in the garden and has to keep checking for broken glass. The dog apparently doesn't like being in the yard now. 

Now what? With all the fireworks and  noise there is in December it's difficult to get him out for a walk at all; you physically can't drag him with you. And now he can't go in the yard either?? 

Gah!

That's unfortunate, Phantom.  I hope your mum is able to have her garden recover and hopefully those people will not be after her in the future.

Also sorry to hear about the dog, I hope the dog will be OK too.

My mum seems a little bit more shaken up than she wants to admit... but it seems she's going to be okay, the garden is going to be fixed quite soon... and the dog is okay; as okay as a dog with anxiety can be this close to New Years Eve. 


... but I've got a bit of a rant... 

Christmas with the family was blah. I'm exhausted... it didn't get as bad as it has other years, and I avoided a fight; only very nearly with my aunt. Mum hurt her arm, adding that to her chronic back pain... and I was once again running around trying to be the one who did it all... worrying about her. My aunt as per usual, and despite an agreement between my mum and her didn't lift a finger unless she absolutely had to. 

As an example she sat on a couch with my mum's aunt; a frail elderly woman with a sick leg that needs protection, and the dog jumped up onto the couch and desperately tried to steal a cookie from my mum's aunt; almost knocking her over. My mum asked my aunt to get the dog down and my aunt didn't even respond... I had to jump in and try to get the dogs attention by waving another cookie around despite my own back hurting like hell... it's just little things like that, that keeps adding up. 

I couldn't wait for it all to be over. I appreciate the presents, I asked for food and I got food, and a mini pan for cooking too... 

The makeup my aunt had 'wished' for wasn't the right one despite me going exactly by her instructions... and well, that wasn't popular.... 

I've always been a big fan of Christmas, but I think I have reached a point where I actually hate Christmas Eve. I do like December, the lights, the trees, the decorations and all that. Hot chocolate in Christmas themed mugs... 

I'm just exhausted. I went home yesterday. I couldn't stand my family for one more second. Right after the traditional Christmas lunch (which shockingly went okay) I got on a train. 

All my friends from highschool, from the 'emo table' in the canteen are having a Christmas lunch thing tomorrow... on facebook I responded with 'maybe' when I knew I couldn't go... I couldn't afford that train ticket and to cook and bring food and all that stuff... plus, they are planning on making it a sleepover, but I have to go home and sleep in my own bed. Even if I don't mention why (my back and hip) I know my best friend gets so worried for me when I leave. I hate that look in her eyes. I think that's the worst part of living with my pain... 

My best friend wrote to me today offering to pay my ticket and saying she had made an extra dish to bring to the table... I do not like taking charity. I felt so uncomfortable last time she took me to see a movie and even gave me dinner too... even if she kept saying it was a belayed Birthday present (I refused to celebrate my 25th Birthday in Feb.)
It turns out I can afford the trip. I thought it would be much, much more expensive!

Well. I am happy about going. But... I just don't feel social after Christmas and all. Some of those girls I haven't seen in years. And one of them... well, our relationship is a bit strange. 

In highschool she was tagging along with our then common friend who was good at using me and the fact that they were my very first friends... until it all blew up... and I was there for this girl who is coming tomorrow. I took her out, I was a good friend. I was always the one she could come to and cry on my shoulder for years and years. She moved away but always came to me when she was in a crisis. In the end I realized she only wanted to see me when she needed me. I stopped sending her messages, I stopped inviting her and lo and behold... it was only when she needed me that she came. So yeah... it's been a couple of years since we really had any contact, other than a few comments on facebook... we met at one of the girls wedding some years ago... but we only got to talk for a few minutes alone.

And... one of our last conversations were after I met our former common friend in town... it was such a strange experience. She had apologized to me for what she did (which I must admit meant nothing) and proceeded to say that she knew what she had done, and she had never stopped thinking about it, and she was happy to meet me now, because she wondered what happened to me since. I didn't forgive her, and that was not what she asked... but I told her I was happy to know that she was aware... 

I told my friend about that... and I can't get out of my head what she said.... "she was sorry for what??". 

Ah well. 

I'm going... the 'good' thing about having a chronic illness is that you can always use that as an excuse to get away. 

And... I was planning on spending tomorrow to have a good long talk with my boyfriend. Something seems to be up with him, but he didn't want to talk to me about it until Christmas was over... I've been worried since he told me. He told me it was 'just old ghosts'. That could be lots of things! 

We have 4 hours, then I'm off to be with those girls... 


Oh, and New Years Eve I'm 'forced' to be at mum's place. My aunt is also coming, but you need to be more than one person since you can't leave the dog's side... even when he's drugged up... and as my mum put it; she needs someone who knows how to take an order; unlike my aunt. 
And... the dog usually attaches himself to me for some reason when he's scared. 

For once I'd like to actually experience a New Years Eve with my friends... partying... before I get too old and too sick. 

But I'm doing it for the dog. I love that thing! 

Last edited by This Is The Phantom Lady (December 27, 2015 8:42 pm)

(((((hug)))))
Try to forget those trolls, it seems they're just everywhere.
I remember a pic you posted here once and my instant thought was what a pretty face you have.

(Hugs Phantom tightly.)
Don´t let them get to you, Phantom. Think how sad their life must be, not bringing anything positive to the world, only being consumed by the malice and stupidity. 

It's not that I had a cry about it or anything, I'm not even insulted as such. I just simply don't understand the need. 

The picture was carefully chosen even, trust me. Like I said I have a very low confidence and I'm critical about what I put out there... I know the 'dangers'. I rarely put pictures of my full body, and this comment wasn't even on the one of me in my coat... it was just of my face. It was never that. It's just that I think it's a sad world to live in where people basically need to try to bring other's down. In a way I would be even more sad if I saw the same comment on someone else's profile.