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This Is The Phantom Lady · August 10, 2015 8:10 pm

Afraid of the dark too, Whiskey? Ugh that sucks!! I hope you feel better somehow

I am treating my foot the best I can... I have a pretty well stocked 'wound treating' arsenal luckily... I've even stitched myself up a few times over the years... still it's just annoying.

I've been slamming doors all day, my temper is out of control. I tried however to hide it from my guy. I know he didn't do it on purpose... but towards the end of the day I just couldn't handle him asking me "Are you sure you're not mad?" and "Are you okay" ... my reply was "Please stop asking" and he knew...

He feels terrible. And I'm still hurt... but now I had to try to calm him down... and now knowing he's probably going to have a sh*tty night.

GAH!!!!

Having a relationship where you both have issues is no cake walk.

Last edited by This Is The Phantom Lady (August 10, 2015 8:11 pm)

Yitzock · August 10, 2015 11:52 pm

That sounds rough, Phantom. I hope you are able to get through this OK.

Well, the final chapter of my first love story seem to have been written. I had her over today (I wanted to hang out one more time before the summer was out, and she was unavailable when my other friends were), and as she was leaving and we hugged, I said "I love you." She said she loved me, too, but I said "No. That's not what I mean." We just stayed where we were a few moments, and I said I had kept it a secret so long. She was not bitter or anything, and when we pulled away, she said she was flattered, that I had been a good friend and that we'd have more time together (or something to that effect, that's the part where I don't remember her exact wording). And then I walked her to her car, when had a couple more laughs and exchanges, and then it was goodbye. That was it. It wasn't as big a moment as I was expecting, and while I wasn't surprised that she didn't feel the same way, I still wish it were different. I was hoping maybe she'd be willing, even to try, but it's not to be I guess. I'm not as upset as I thought I might be if I didn't get exactly what I wanted (though the fact that she didn't blow up or get mad or anything is something I wanted), not as sad, though to say I'm not sad at all would be wrong. I haven't cried, at least not yet, but I feel strangely blank.
I'm not ready to put my love for her behind me, I'm not sure I ever will, but the fact that it passed so quickly means I think I need some time to catch up with what's happened. Maybe I'll always love her. I still can't imagine myself with anyone else, there's nobody else I've ever felt such a connection with, even if some of it was one-sided (the romantic part). I guess my fantasies will stay fantasies. I'm glad I finally spoke my truth, but I still feel sad that I know it's over. It's hard to feel that way after having thse feelings in my head for over two years.
OK, scratch that. I'm not crying, but there are tears.

Lilythiell · August 11, 2015 12:05 am

Yitzock, I really don't know what to say. I can offer support -and I do- but that's about all...
I would try and say something nice, but I fear what I'd say would be...inadequate. So I won't say a thing, other than you will make it through. *hug*

Phantom, I hope you're doing okay. You will pull through.

Whisky, I can't relate to that fear of dark, but somehow I've a feeling it's more about how it affects your mood than anything else...Know you'll be all right. And you'll love winter again.

If anyone of you wants/needs to chat, don't hesitate to PM me. If you need someone to talk to, I'll be there.

Stay strong everyone.
*massive hug*

Yitzock · August 11, 2015 12:53 am

That's OK, Lily. The fact that you are sending supportive feelings my way is enough. Thank you.

Last edited by Yitzock (August 11, 2015 12:53 am)

Lilythiell · August 11, 2015 12:54 am

=)

This Is The Phantom Lady · August 11, 2015 6:51 am

Yitzock, I will also offer you to PM me, if you need to talk to someone who's LGBT and who has been in love with her best friend since her and I met 8 years ago...

It's never easy to be rejected, so sorry. It's good to hear though that she still wants to be your friend. I hope you still can!

*Sends you a big hug*

kornmuhme · August 11, 2015 10:59 am

Wow, Yitzock, that was very ... brave, offering your inner feelings to your best friend! This can change so much. I hope you'll stay as close friends as you've always been!
Chapeau!

This Is The Phantom Lady · August 12, 2015 8:19 am

Okay... this will be another day where all I can get down is some tea and a couple of Jammie Dodgers. Ugh.

Monday night I was so broken after the fighting with my boyfriend... while I had spent a long time reassuring him that we'd be fine the next morning... but my heart just hurt so much. It doesn't take much to break me I suppose...

As if he knew, my abusive ex who a year ago forced me into some dark sh't... even using the fact that I could afford my ticket to see Benedict in Hamlet if I did it... well he contacted me. I should have known better, but I let him comfort me... in his f*cked up way. I don't know how to explain it... but I am powerless with that man

I had to confess this to my boyfriend yesterday... and suddenly without warning he had meetings all day. and at the end of the day I just got this short message "I am tired. going home. talk later. bye" ..,
And today he's not at work apparently. I am worried sick!!

This Is The Phantom Lady · August 16, 2015 6:42 pm

My boyfrind and I have made up, both wanting to fight for this. I admire him so much for giving me a second chance.

I am just nitpicking today... going in circles... It's just a stupid day.

The thing is, I am going through all the illogical things... I can't get one sentence out of my head that was said during our argument. I was desperately trying to explain that I was having a panic attack (when I have panic attacks my mind runs fast and starts to remind me of everything that ever went wrong) and I wasn't making much sense. He told me "You can't keep using your past as an excuse".

He's right. I can't. But what hurts me is that the past year we have both been dealing with him trying to get over his ex and the things she did to him, as well as the long term effects from his accident and what being brain damaged has done to him... This has put a strain on us, and it's part of why we still haven't met (other than economy) and I have been patient, I have supported him... I have been there. And no. I can't use MY past as an excuse.

I just have to resolve this myself. I don't want us to fight anymore. He wasn't thinking when he said it.

And I'm also a bit annoyed with my mother... nothing new there. She was in a lot of pain this weekend, more than usual and spent most of the time describing how it hurt in detail. When I mentioned that I was in pain too she snapped at me saying "You're not the only one in pain here!!" Uh. No, I know.

I'm just... blah.

I'm trying to take it out on my fanfic and some loud music on my hot pink headphones.

Last edited by This Is The Phantom Lady (August 16, 2015 6:46 pm)

Whisky · August 16, 2015 10:56 pm

Phantom, When I read here from you, I am impressed how much Courage you have to face difficulties. Hot pink headphones sound awesome :-)

Fear of the dark... I actually dont fear it as in walking outside in the dark etc. That, I even love. It is more the fear of mental response - will the darkness trigger a depressive episode... that is what scares me thanks for empathy :-)

Yitzock, made me sad to read your story... I can relate.
We can love many people in one life. It's just different with each one. I think.
I don't think we ever loose someone we truly loved. We give them a time and place in our hearts - and only then we walk on... take all the time you need!

Why i came here - seems so irrelevant. Just some flatmate letting the bin with the degradable stuff (leftovers, vegetables etc) flowing over so it smells terrible! Lazy girls, sick of telling them off, they are all grown-ups, it is the same thing all the time. Is this what parents must feel like? Saying it a hundred times to No effect?

Last edited by Whisky (August 16, 2015 11:07 pm)

This Is The Phantom Lady · August 17, 2015 7:31 am

Eeew!! That is so gross! I'm happy I don't have flatmates, that wouldn't end well!
I'm sick enough of sharing washing machines with the students who live here... last week some idiot opened the machine after I had paid and started it, so it took 3 hours instead of 2 to get my laundry done... not to mention having to pay double.
They didn't even take my clothes out to use the machine... just... opened it!

I don't know if it's curage... but I guess I have to.

I am going back to the therapy introduction thing today. Last week I cancelled because of my foot, and that I hadn't slept during the weekend.

The first time I was there I left feeling a bit angry about the whole thing... it's a silly little thing... but there was a woman there, a patient, she sat away from everyone else and towards the end she put her hand up and started complaining about the time chosen for these meetings and said "I happen to have a job" just naturally asuming everyone else in need of therapy were jobless.
I don't have a job that's true. But seriously? It just pissed me off she felt so much better than everyone else.

If her life is so perfect and so much better than everyone elses, why is she being offered help?? And I had to hear that maybe I didn't deserve help. (I know I should stop going in circles over that...)

I'll go today... it's just 90 minutes...

Yitzock · August 17, 2015 7:51 pm

I think if I heard someone act like that in the waiting room, I would be frustrated too. Inconsiderate and ungrateful if you ask me, or at least just innapropriate behaviour. It helps no one.

You do deserve help, Phantom. I know it's not something that's easy to change your mind about or convince yourself of, but you do deserve it.

Whisky · August 18, 2015 12:19 am

yes, flatmates are a pain in the arse sometimes, absolutely :D but other times, they are really lovely and kind and helpful ;-) it's ups and downs... today someone emptied the bin! yeah!

phantom, that scene in the waiting room would have pissed me off, too.
deserving help... that's no ones decision but yours. If you want help, you deserve it. no one knows better than yourself what you need. and pls don't doubt yourself in that :-)

This Is The Phantom Lady · August 18, 2015 7:11 am

It wasn't in the waiting room... it was at the therapy session, in the middle of the actual session. It's a group thing.

The woman was the same way yesterday but I tried not to let it bother me...

The session itself was hard... some stuff was brought up that was very close to home... and I started spending half of the lesson alligning my papers perfectly... when I finally got somehow satisfied that the angles were 'survivable' I spilled my water over them...

Oh well.

But I do hope I get my own therapist soon. My head is not in a good place lately.

Lilythiell · August 20, 2015 11:49 am

Well I hope that woman works on that particular issue...
Good job for trying not to let it get to you, Phantom. Had to fiddle with your papers to concentrate? So, what? If it helped...
I'm hoping you'll get your own therapist soon, too, it must be easier to talk face to face rather than to a group... I know I couldn't...shudders at the idea...

As for me, it is rather...inconvenient, shall we say. I'm in London -London, for Christ's sake!- and I can't be bothered to go out. And visit. Or just go to parks. Or doing anything, really. I might go to a mate's and play Monopoly. But that'd involve leaving the room I'm in.

This Is The Phantom Lady · August 20, 2015 12:19 pm

Ugh! I hate those times, Lily. I had them too in London and had to work hard on overcoming them. It was particularly bad the day I was going to the Barbican. Ugh! I spent so long making excuses... having to charge my phone... charge my powerbank... combing my hair a specific number of times...

I'm glad I went though.

I hope you find some energy and a place in your head so you can get out! Ugh! Those feelings are never convenient are they?

Lilythiell · August 20, 2015 12:45 pm

No, no they're not.
I wonder whether the anticipation for Hamlet might be too high. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait going, but...maybe that's the whole thing? Waiting. It can become such a bore, and I don't even have the energy to take up a book, or go out and have a cup of tea, or ...

I NEED SOME, GET ME SOME !
(sorry for shouting, but it did sound frightfully appropriate)

This Is The Phantom Lady · August 20, 2015 1:42 pm

That might be it!

But have an awesome time, I'll send you all the energy and positive thoughts I can muster!

Lilythiell · August 20, 2015 2:16 pm

Thank you. But do keep some for yourself, eh?
I've finally gathered the strength to get up and leave the room, onto having tea.

kornmuhme · August 20, 2015 7:45 pm

Cigarette, Lily? Just to calm you down a bit :-).
Or rather an energy drink?