BBC Sherlock Fan Forum - Serving Sherlockians since February 2012 » Self-Harm: yes this condition does exist

saturnR · May 4, 2014 12:52 am

What are you guyses opinions on self-harm? I have a mild version of it. I don't cut or burn myself but after having it brought to my attention that 'what you do is just not normal' I had a look @ other cases & found some of the more severe forms which do include self-cutting & self-burning.

I can't speak for others but for me personally, when I engage in my mild form of this disorder, I don't do it coz I'm trying to attract attention. I also don't think that I'm psycho (yet). I do it mostly due to stress & anxiety and I find that it stops me from wanting to grab a bat & smash it over someone else's head.

People ask me strange questions like 'so you like it/enjoy it?' No I am not a masochist but I think it's the same as smoking, except it's more visual coz the damage is on the outside & not internal like smoking is.

I'm not entirely sure what triggers it. I just know that it has been with me for most of my adult life. Call extremely bad at dealing with life but eventually you sort of finding yourself reacting in the same way coz it's what you know.

The one thing that people who have this condition don't need is more shame. We already know what we're doing is wrong. Stating the obvious & going 'you know that's really weird right?' doesn't really help.

Last edited by saturnR (May 4, 2014 12:55 am)

belis · May 4, 2014 6:42 am

I could write on the subject all day long becouse dealing with self harm is pretty much what I do for living. There are lots of myths about it floating around and people (including healthcare professionals) often have some very strong preconcived ideas about people who self harm.

People have very individual reasons as to why they do it. There is a proportion who will self harm to attract attention. Be it a cry for help or to punish people around them and show them that they are not doing enough. It's a minority but quite a vocal one so maybe that's why it is often assumed that DSH is always done for attention. In fact most people are quite secretive about it and often don't tell anyone.

It's very rarerly done with suicidal intent. Quite to the contrary. Many people will use it as a coping strategy to help them get through.

The enjoyement part of things is also individual. For some people there is a pleasurable release of endorphins associated with it. Others don't get any enjoyment out of it but do it becouse they believe that they need to punish themselves.

Triggers very a lot from person to person. There is often an element of habit formation there. Ones you start using it as a coping strategy it is hard to give up.

I completely agree that we don't need the shame and stigma that comes with it. I think in the UK things are improving and people are able to talk about it more openly. I think people find it difficult to understand becouse it is very ego dystonic for them. It goes against basic instincts of self preservation and stirs all sort of uncomfortable feelings in people. 'Weird' is a way to sum it up I suppose. I think more publicity around what would be a helpful responce would be useful. I think at the moment people simply don't know what to do or what to say.

This Is The Phantom Lady · December 29, 2014 9:34 pm

I think I have always selfharmed... even as a little girl. I was always very un-coordinated and with a terrible balance but I know I would fall on purpose sometimes... And not to get attention because I was notorious for not crying. (When I was 4 I broke my leg and only cried after a long while of sending other kids to fetch an adult).

When I was about 7 or 8 I remember cutting my finger with a scissor on purpose... mostly because I was bored... I never showed anyone the cut though.

When I was 13 it became a direct way of coping... I was sexually assaulted and it was the only thing that helped me with keeping the secret inside. I can explain it with the classic thing you have heard a million times... it was like letting air out of the tyres before I exploded.

I actually got addicted to the pain. I needed to get hurt more and more and more often... and it got harder and harder to hide what I was doing. I was running out of excuses about why my entire arm was bandaged up week after week.

When I tried to stop; first I tried replacements for the knifes... you know... rubber bands, ice cubes squeezed hard in my hands... it just didn't help. I needed the destruction... the pain wasn't enough for me.
I went cold turkey after my idol Michael Jackson died in 2009, I got a tattoo on my wrist to mark it... a black heart with my nickname and his initials looking like it was cut into my skin and blood running down...
I went through actual withdrawals and thought I had made it out of it... I even saw my doctor about having the scars removed... he told me it was impossible.

It isn't just knives for me... it is just the most obvious way I suppose... another way I perform my selfharm is to overeat... I shocked a therapist by telling him that as a teenager I would force myself to not sleep to punish myself. He said he had heard a lot of self harm stories... but never that. Not sure I should be proud though.

I will never forget having to show my doctor my arm full of scars from then 6 years of self harm. He was my family doctor and had seen me since I was a baby... He was very close to my mum and me and the look in his eyes when I showed him was one of so much regret. Regret that he hadn't noticed.

I hate the look on people when they notice my scars, I feel so judged... but what is even worse is those who look at me with pity. The way things are now I don't lie about what caused them. There is no point in lying because it is obvious how I got them.

When I was warning my guy, trying to make him leave me with telling him all the truths about myself and the things I had done I also told him about my selfharming and cutting... I told him that one day he was going to find out I had cut myself badly and he would always have to wonder if he caused it somehow...
That actually worries me so much... he couldn't handle that and deep down I know it could happen.

The thing is... I can't stop. I still can't. When I am in a crisis my first thought is to find my knives or what other thing I want to hurt myself with.
I went to therapy for the self harm and it helped a lot I must say... the problem is, I lied to the therapist in order to make her feet accomplished about her work (and avoid the actual reason for my self harm getting out of control)...

I do know some of my own triggers... being directly reminded of what happened to me; one of the reasons I just can't watch 'Atonement' again. Me feeling uncomfortable or unwelcome in certain situations can also do it...
I feel an actual urge and I can go an entire day itching and my mind circling around the act I want to perform... It sounds completely insane and well... it is.
Last time I did it, I wanted to use the blood in a painting... and it took me days to find out how to do it exactly right. My 'comfort' is that I didn't want to waste the blood...

The stigma of selfharming really bothers me I must admit. I sometimes worry what the doctors I work for think when they see my arms... I work at a pediatric ward... and what if they thought I wasn't stable enough to work with kids?
It's not like I'm going to turn the knife on anyone else... that wouldn't help me.

Last edited by SusiGo (December 30, 2014 9:18 am)

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May 4, 2014 12:52 am #1

Self-Harm: yes this condition does exist

May 4, 2014 6:42 am #2

Re: Self-Harm: yes this condition does exist

December 29, 2014 9:34 pm #3

Re: Self-Harm: yes this condition does exist

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