BBC Sherlock Fan Forum - Serving Sherlockians since February 2012 » Free Rants

belis · April 15, 2014 5:03 pm

I have fainted whilst having my flu jab at work. After initial panic has cleared and it was established that I'm not in the process of droping dead from anaphylaxis the fussing quickly stopped to be replaced by nurses loughing at me. Long and hard. I think they will never let me forget it. lol

This Is The Phantom Lady · April 15, 2014 5:12 pm

Aaw! Not fair of them for laughing, but as long as you can laugh too!

Funny thing is that they were so sure it was because I was scared of needles, which I'm not, far from it... I just didn't eat enough yesterday I suppose. And I was a bit too quick to get on my feet after. I was ill for a while though...

But I'm happy that I donated and I'm almost sad I'm only allowed to do it twice a year.

belis · April 15, 2014 7:08 pm

I'm scared of needles. I think that's what makes it a bit comical. It was back in my AE days and they have seen me 'stabbing' patients day in and day out, including putting in chest drains and central lines, without a second thought. As soon as I was at the pointy end of a tiny needle myself though there was drama.

This Is The Phantom Lady · April 15, 2014 7:16 pm

I can imagine, it must be annoying to be afraid of needles btw! One of my friends is very afraid of needles... but she has several piercings and tattoos... but I know that's different!

I'm glad I don't have that fear; I might be a little too pervy about it even... I LOVE to watch! And I even know which veins are good...

Last edited by This Is The Phantom Lady (April 15, 2014 7:17 pm)

belis · April 15, 2014 7:36 pm

It is a bit annoying. Mainly because people don't expect me to have any problems with it and they think I'm joking when I ask to lie down to have my bloods or whatever done.

I always look. It makes it easier than a nasty surprise. Last time when I was in hospital they have send a medical student to put my cannula in. (We medics like to play jokes like that on each other). Funnily enough I was so engrossed in talking her through what needs to be done and shearing all my best tips that I have forgotten that I was scared. (So I admit that there may have actually been some method in the registrar's madness rather than wanting to take revenge on me for all the crazy patients I send to his ward).

This Is The Phantom Lady · April 16, 2014 6:38 am

I can see that, I bet it's so annoying when people don't take your fear seriously! You know I think it was very clever sending in the student; fears are mainly in your mind and if you're distracted I suppose a lot of them can be overcome.

I have a huge fear of spiders, It's so bad that if I see one and don't act within short time I will completely freeze and if I don't know where it runs off to I can't feel safe for a long while after. Logically it's a stupid, stupid fear... what is an itsy bitsy spider going to do to me?

It happened once in advanced German class in college; there was a big spider on the wall and because I was in class I couldn't just get up and kill it, so I froze up. When the teacher got to me as she was asking everyone questions I was shivering and could barely talk but managed to ask her to remove it. She laughed at me but put it outside the door. and in my head it was still there, waiting for me...

It must have looked funny, me a tough punk chick being scared of something so small... My mother still thinks it's silly when I scream at her to come get a spider when I'm at her place but we have a deal. She takes the spiders and I move the frogs and toads and small snakes from the garden when I can.

A fear of needles is so much more justified, you know? Obviously it's safe and should be if it's done under the right circumstances, but... well fearing spiders is silly.

Last edited by This Is The Phantom Lady (April 16, 2014 6:40 am)

besleybean · April 16, 2014 7:32 am

Why?
They bite.

This Is The Phantom Lady · April 16, 2014 11:12 am

I'm about to have a panic attack. Bleh!!

I'm going to spend 5 days with my mother this easter. I am actually going home to her after seeing the physio therapist today and I'm just packing my things now. 5 days is an awful long time with her and me... It can't end well... I know she's being nice and this will help me financially as I don't have to worry about food for those days... I would just rather stay here in my tiny flat...

I'm going to bring some of my Benny DVD's, I'm hoping she will watch some of them with me, maybe that's going to help. Just watching a movie and for me to watch a man who can make me so happy.

And what if she figures out what I did this weekend, ugh. no! I can't handle her judgement again... Please say the weather will be cold so she doesn't have to question why I wear long sleeved shirts!

I feel like I signed up to spending 5 days locked in with a dragon or something (Oh if only, I'd take Smaug please!).

Okay, I have to finish packing... I can't be late. And after all, she's only human...

Tinks · April 16, 2014 3:35 pm

Phantom I hope your stay with your Mother turns out better than you expected - maybe you'll convert her and make a new fan for Benedict?!

belis · April 17, 2014 8:28 am

I hope that your Easter break works out better then expected Phantom. My own relationship with my mum is quite intense and there is bound to be a heated argument if we are around each other for more then 2 days but the dynamic has changed over time.

'Judgement' is an intresting word to use. You obviously give a lot of weight to your mum's opinion. We need to respect our elders and of course it is important what your mum thinks but at the same time don't forget that you are now an adult and are perfectly entaitled to make your own choices and to make your own mistakes as well. There are times where I wish I had listened to my parents when I didn't (that's between you and me, they shell never find out lol) but at the same time the fact that I made the mistakes and had to deal with consequnces helped me develop confidence and trust in my own judgements.

It sounds like you had a bit of a slip up over the last weekend. Your mum is obviously entaitled to have an opinion about it but that's all it is. An opinion. Your therapist will have an opinion. I have an opinion even though I may not really be entaitled to one as I know very little about you. Your own doctor will have an opinion. The only person that really knows what it is all about is yourself and that is the opinion that matters. What everyone else says you can choose to take it or live it. Don't spend your Ester break worrying about sun coming out.

This Is The Phantom Lady · April 17, 2014 12:49 pm

I'm halfway into day two and so far it's been all right at least, just a few bites here and there... but I'll try my best to make it as smooth as I can... Just not easy with all the unresolved cr*p between us.

I guess I do care too much about what she thinks when I shouldn't... if only it was because she cared about me I guess I could forgive her for it, but last time she 'caught' me I had almost stopped that stupid habit; she yelled at me for 30 minutes about how it could lead to real drugs and how her friends would think about her if she ended up with a junkie for a daughter. Nothing about how I felt and why I had done that since I was 13... which only made my habit worse until it got so bad it scared even me and I tried to stop again. I just hope I can stop again, I don't want to do this...

I opened up to one of my doctors yesterday when he was asking me about my background story to figure out what was up with my back and he told me to please talk to my real doctor and get help again and to find other and healthier outlets. He nearly made me cry when he told me that he actually gave a damn what happened to me even if we had only met.

Sorry, she just drives me mad really... I'll focus on the positives. I've currently got 3 beautiful cats sleeping right next to me and a dog asleep in my mother's empty chair. I love my pets, to think I have 5 days with them! Aaaw!

belis · April 17, 2014 2:37 pm

That 'habit' does serve some sort of purpose for you. You need to figure out what it is and then find a substitute you are happier with. That's the A to B in theory. In practice it can take a lot of time and work to get there so don't be discouraged if you have blips along the way. I'm glad to hear that you felt able to open up a bit more to your doctor about it.

This Is The Phantom Lady · April 17, 2014 10:03 pm

The thing is, I know exactly the purpose of it, the cause of it... I just struggle to find something as drastic to replace it. Drastic without being harmful of course!

There's two things that triggers it... one is almost out of my world now. The other just happens sometimes and I think it will for the rest of my life. One is a need to control myself and take over for my mother's strict upbringing of me... punishing myself over every little thing. I barely do that anymore though, I've started to work on positive reinforcement instead when I do something right. I've come far!

The other is what I can only suppose is PTSD, which is what happened last weekend. It seems this is the only thing that can calm me when that happens...

When I've just got the urges I try to paint, write or get my emotions out some other artistic way, but I still struggle to find a thing for the extreme conditions... I suppose I have to keep ice cubes in my freezer again and hope that will be enough.

I wish I was better at life somehow, my luck is that on the outside I seem completely healthy, sociable and fun, polite and well behaved... (well unless I have to ask a German teacher to move a spider for me).
One of my best friends once punched my arm and told me she really, really wanted to see me get angry someday. She hasn't had much luck yet, well unless people have been mean to her obviously.

belis · April 17, 2014 10:56 pm

You have done a good job to identify your triggers and you are self aware enough to know what is the purpose of your 'habit'.

Ice cubes and rubber bands are good substitutes in the interim. Many people find strenous exercise helpfull although you may not find it suitable with your back problems at the moment.

In the long term if you are triggered by PTSD like issues the way forward would be to identify what it is exaclty and then address it through suitable therapy.

I think you are pretty good at life btw. Whatever is going through your head at times overall you seem to function pretty well: live on your own, manage your affairs, have hobbies, make friends and maintain relationships with your familly even if they are a bit rocky at times. Loads of positives there.

This Is The Phantom Lady · April 20, 2014 8:04 am

Thank you belis, I'll really consider that! Once I've got time after I've finished my Eurovision work at least...

I almost feel a little sory for my mother; she can't win in our relationship it seems. I hate her for not caring enough when she should, then when she does I can't deal with it. I had my back cracked by a chiropractor Wednesday who said that should resolve the problem with my back, it's taken some of the pain away but they return once I move too much, dishwashing is the worst! I've been trying to hide my pain from her but she caught me trying to get comfortable on the couch with a bit of a cold sweat after having walked the dog across the field... She told me she wanted me to decline my Eurovision job as she wasn't sure I couldn't handle it with my back pain. I had only had 2 hours of sleep the night before but I got so angry with her for even mentioning that.

I've thought it myself, but this is my one chance in life... it's been my dream since I was 10 years old and I don't want something as stupid as this to stop me!

... And now I'm back at playing detective, since I realized her hatred towards Benedict stems from her having watched Parade's End I realized he must have reminded her of my father somehow. I've started going over the little 'evidence' I've gathered over the years... and I do wonder what kind of man he is, when my mother finally opened up just a tiny, tiny bit about him she told me he was a 'Good man' and that he chose his wife and family over his mistake (us, and I could tell it broke her heart). She even told me he visited us the day after I was born but he couldn't look at me. I wonder if he was a soft man and it would have torn him apart to remember my face for the rest of his life.

It's not going to lead anywhere... I don't trust my mother with many things, but I trust she was right when she told me he hadn't tried to get in touch once. I don't think I want to meet him... I'd just like to know what kind of man he was I suppose.

This Is The Phantom Lady · April 28, 2014 7:22 pm

Before I explode...

My co-worker with the Eurovision job is cool in a lot of ways, but his English and his emails to the delegation makes me cringe... It's like he doesn't even read what he writes and, yes, fair enough we can't all have good English skills. But that was the one requirement! I have a feeling he hasn't understood half the emails they have sent him (and before they sent the majority of emails to him) and I wonder if they understood him at all... 'Lucky' for me they have now realized I'm fairly efficient and I'm now the one they email all the time...

I am so, so, so happy with the work! I've been unemployed for months and months now, and to work for the Eurovision has honestly been my dream since I was 10.

Okay, I feel better now. I can face him tomorrow as we pick the Irish up at the airport.

(I am aware my English can't be 100% perfect either, but, you know...)

Last edited by This Is The Phantom Lady (April 28, 2014 7:23 pm)

belis · April 28, 2014 8:42 pm

On call from hell today. The usual post weekend pandemonium. I keep telling myself:

This Is The Phantom Lady · April 29, 2014 6:31 am

I hope Tuesday is better, belis!! What is it with Mondays??

I am a liiitle annoyed with myself, I meant to take an early night last night to stock up on some sleep before the busiest 2 weeks of my life kicks off officially tonight. I couldn't make myself shut off my laptop and kept checking my email for Eurovision work things etc... and then my friend had a personal crisis... When I finally laid back I couldn't fall asleep and only managed to at 2am and I'm already up looking through the work emails I got last night and it's 8.30 in the morning...

Oh well, I can sleep when I'm old.

nakahara · April 29, 2014 1:44 pm

I have definitely too much work. I didn′t stop myself for a full week doing one assigment after another, all with a really tight deadlines. And they just keep coming and coming!

Davina · April 29, 2014 2:55 pm

Give yourselves a 'Golden Time' moment at least nice a day. Even if it is just 10minutes. Time for you. The to stop what you are doing and appreciate ...whatever you wish.

My rant: the utter weirdness of some folk who run and contribute to some facebook groups. Odd. Very odd! Still...there's nowt so queer as folk...as they say.