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This Is The Phantom Lady · April 3, 2014 6:00 pm

I just wish it didn't have to be like that. Nothing angers me more to see kids being bullied.

I can completely see what you are saying though... but I will never understand it. (Don't know if thats because I never really belonged to a group until I was 18, and that group was the most diverse group of people ever... punks, goths, chavs, 'normal' people, ultra christians).

My friend who is a goth has nearly been attacked a few times, just for the clothes she wears... that really makes me angry! The worst I tried was a group of boys chasing me down the street once yelling 'Satan sucks' at me... which I still giggle about. I'm Agnostic.

I've been picked on my whole life; both by kids and adults... either my clothes weren't new enough, I'd wear the same blouse twice in a week (it had been washed though), I weighed too much, didn't know my father. In Highschool I was picked on for being bisexual (what they thought was sort of the same as being transsexual; just because of something about I said about a character from a text in a German class). A math teacher even bullied me for years in front of class for my bad math skills. (Turns out I am dyscalculic).

When I was 16 I started to experiment with my clothes and it became a safety for me; it hurt a lot less to be judged for the clothes you wore than more personal things... now it's just become who I am.

All the training I've had for the Eurovision they keep talking about what a diverse and open country we have... but maybe I've just been unlucky.

Deilenn · April 3, 2014 8:22 pm

This Is The Phantom Lady wrote:
My friend who is a goth has nearly been attacked a few times, just for the clothes she wears... that really makes me angry! The worst I tried was a group of boys chasing me down the street once yelling 'Satan sucks' at me... which I still giggle about. I'm Agnostic.

I've been picked on my whole life; both by kids and adults... either my clothes weren't new enough, I'd wear the same blouse twice in a week (it had been washed though), I weighed too much, didn't know my father. In Highschool I was picked on for being bisexual (what they thought was sort of the same as being transsexual; just because of something about I said about a character from a text in a German class). A math teacher even bullied me for years in front of class for my bad math skills. (Turns out I am dyscalculic).

This is terrible how people can treat others because of they're not like them...

Personally, I've never been bullied but my being different is the fact that I have red hair which is uncommon and in primary school and junior high school I didn't like people talking unpleasnt things about it. My friends kept telling me to not pay attention so I tried, but it still hurted me. It ended many years ago and from then on there's no-one who could say anything bad about my colour - quite the reverse. I got to like it and now wouldn't even like to dye my hair at all. :]

When I was in primary school a new girl joined our class and didn't escape insults, just because she used to dress almost always in black. I was basically one of not many poeple who talked to her... And she was a really nice person.
Something similar happend when I was in high school, another girl joined us and at first didn't seem to be interested in talking to us. On the second year I started chatting to her and it turned out we shared some common interests, and she actually became my best friend in class ;]
It's so stupid and unfair to judge other people who we don't know, to insult them because they're different...

belis · April 4, 2014 6:18 am

This Is The Phantom Lady wrote:
I just wish it didn't have to be like that. Nothing angers me more to see kids being bullied.

I also wish that it wasn't like that although I'm not sure if it ever change. I was lucky enough to never experience being bullied with exception of a short spell at work when I was around 20). There are plenty of times when people try to boss me around or are nasty towards me (it comes with the job teritory) but I don't percive it as bulllling. The power dynamic is more or less equal.

At school I was always very geeky (still am) and never particularly cared to belong into a group. However I was an acquaintance (wouldn't say friend) of the various pack leaders so I was never picked on. I have a talent for manipulating people and when I was younger I used that to full advantage. I went to a boarding school for a couple of years and I get to experience the best and worst of the group dynamics. There is no escape from it as you don't go home after lessons. You either make it work for you somehow or your existence is going to be miserable. I would like to be able to say that I was always above it and the force for good but occassionally I did my own nastiness here and there to assertain my status within the boarding house pack.

This Is The Phantom Lady · April 4, 2014 8:30 am

It just seems to me that the grownups have given up; they already did when I was a kid and would stand 2 steps away from me being physically bullied and did nothing; that entire school was a mess to be honest and I have since then warned a few people to never allow their children to go there... When I visit my mother I always get off the bus at that school and I can just hear and feel that nothing has changed since then.

Today, luckily, I'm a lot better socially and I seem to be able to get along with everyone. I've been at a few work places and schools since where there would be groups who ended up absolutely hating each other for such silly reasons; and I was always talking to all of them without being seen as false. I always stay neutral. And my status have sort of become the one you can trust and confide in without it making it to the other party.

One thing that also annoys me about the bullying in school was when they started picking on me for always doing my homework and getting good grades; which at a time meant I was trying to do worse... *shakes head*. But most of my childhood I spent reading about Egyptian and other cultures mummies... which in college resulted on an A+ on a 20 page history project on the subject. There's always a happy ending!

This Is The Phantom Lady · April 10, 2014 8:17 am

Blegh. I don't want to be sick!

I thought it was just a bit of a headache and me being tired... I mean it's a bit hard to sleep when your back is giving you hell despite the pain relief I am on. Woke up with the same headache and was just so slow. I just accidentally felt my brow and turns out I have a bit of a fever.

Meh... At least I don't have to worry about work, that's something... I was told yesterday that because of the Eurovision job from the 28th I don't have time to be put into any form of internship or anything from my jobcenter... so I have the next few weeks off (other than the odd meetings about the ESC).

But I was going to do so much today, I was going to paint, write... and tomorrow I'm seeing my doctor about the results of my xray of my back... I need to know what is going on. I can't be sick!

This Is The Phantom Lady · April 12, 2014 5:50 pm

Okay today is really not a good day... nor was yesterday.

I saw my new doctor about my back yesterday, he had the results of my X rays... Turns out I have Scoliosis and not just 'A slight vertical twist of the spine' as my doctor told me when I was little... only based on my doctor then taking a quick glance at my back and feeling it once.

I was told that there wasn't much that could be done, I'm going to see a physio therapist on Wednesday so I can get some excersises to strengthen the muscles around my spine and of course losing weight is going to help as well... but I will have pain and troubles with my back for the rest of my life.

Now I'm learning that if my doctor and my mother then had been checking up on my back I could be a lot better off today, I could have had back braces, maybe even surgery back then... Sure it's a good thing that my new doctor could tell there was no damage to the disks, the gaps between the bones looked absolutely normal...

I'm just a bit down about it all... it's stupid really... I've been allowed to take regular pain killers with the pills I already take but I don't feel much effect really. It still hurts like hell.

To top it off I run into 2 people from my past... the teacher who bullied me really bad in year 8 and 9 and someone else too... who did something so much worse. I even saw someone who looked like the Danish teacher from College who made me lose faith in the one thing I always had. My writing. (Luckily Sherlock has brought that back)

And there I was, feeling so small and insignificant. GRR they have no power over me today, and here I go... falling back into my old role.

Last edited by This Is The Phantom Lady (April 12, 2014 5:51 pm)

Mattlocked · April 12, 2014 6:02 pm

This Is The Phantom Lady wrote:
... but I will have pain and troubles with my back for the rest of my life.

A lot of people do and will, more than you maybe can imagine; me included.

I know and understand very good that you are sad and frustrated right now, but maybe thinking about this helps at least a little.

This Is The Phantom Lady · April 12, 2014 6:14 pm

I know, almost everyone have some trouble with their back, sadly. And I'm sorry about yours!

What makes me most miserable is that if my doctor or hey, even my mother had cared a bit when I was a kid a lot of it could have been corrected... it didn't have to be this bad.

And I'm scared I might turn into my mother... the pain has changed me already. I don't want to be like her. She is such a hateful woman and it's all because of her pains

Mattlocked · April 12, 2014 6:38 pm

Yeah, I know what you mean. In my worst days it was almost impossible to live with me, to work with me... People were really fed up.
I knew about it and it made me so sad because I knew how I was and understood how they felt about me, but couldn't change it then. So I told them. It didn't change everything, but it helped them understand a bit why I was like that. And I didn't stay that way, as my pain didn't stay that way, either.
Of course there are and will be good and not-so-good or even very-bad times. But it changes.

I also understand that you are desperate now because maybe your back could have been treated better in the past. And maybe you would feel better today. But hey: You don't know! It's useless to agonise yourself with those thoughts, you cannot change the past. You can only change the present, and the future. And you are on a good way, I'm sure.

Talk to the people around you. To your friends. If they are friends, they will understand.

belis · April 13, 2014 6:58 am

This Is The Phantom Lady wrote:
I know, almost everyone have some trouble with their back, sadly. And I'm sorry about yours!

What makes me most miserable is that if my doctor or hey, even my mother had cared a bit when I was a kid a lot of it could have been corrected... it didn't have to be this bad.

And I'm scared I might turn into my mother... the pain has changed me already. I don't want to be like her. She is such a hateful woman and it's all because of her pains

Sorry to hear that you didn't have better news about your back. Hopefully though things will improve at least to some extent now that you are getting some treatment for it.

I can sympathise that being in pain sucks. I had an accident during my first year at Uni and ended up with a lot of pain for a long while whilst I was recovering from surgery. It was always a tride off between strong painkillers with all the annoying side effects and being grumpy and in pain. I have eventually found a middle ground that I was reasonably happy with.

I had a lot of those 'what if' thoughts. What if I didn't opt to volunteer on that particular project. What if I was doing something else that morning. What if, what if. It doesn't really help. As Mattlocked said there is nothing that can be done to change the past and ruminating on it just makes the present day worse. Try to focus on positives and what needs to be done to improve your situation.

Physio is hard work and it takes a long time to get positive effects from it but it's worth it in the end. I have persisted and I'm glad I did. It took a couple of years but my foot drop is gone and you can only tell that I have a limp if you are a physio or an orthopod and know what you are looking for. I still get pain in that leg from time to time but it's manageable. There are a lot of people around with chronic pain who don't end up hateful.

This Is The Phantom Lady · April 13, 2014 12:36 pm

Thank you both of you, I will try not to think of the 'what ifs' anymore... It's not like the TARDIS is going to land at me door and I could go back and change things... I should look forward. I actually spent some time in a sort of chatroom and by chance got to talk to a physio therapist... he told me about a method that might even straighen the spine a bit! So there's hope... and I can't help but wonder if the fact that I'm double jointed will possible make it easier to correct?

I just had a really bad day and night last night... It was just an overload of bad... that about my back and then meeting those idiots... Today is a new day and I will get stronger, and better... at everything!

belis · April 14, 2014 11:53 am

This Is The Phantom Lady wrote:
I just had a really bad day and night last night... It was just an overload of bad... that about my back and then meeting those idiots... Today is a new day and I will get stronger, and better... at everything!

You may find this intresting: https://www.coursera.org/course/chronicpain
It takes a bit of an academic approach but the way the course is delivered makes it very applicable to self help. I have done loads of courses on this platform and the quality is realy good. Best of all they all free.

This Is The Phantom Lady · April 14, 2014 4:14 pm

Thank you! I'll take a look into this! It looks awesome!

Honestly I'm considering seeing my therapist again, at least I'll take a look at the papers I got during the group sessions and the sort of self help course she gave us... I've started doing certain things again and I'm losing grip of myself... It was just a lot easier with my last doctor to get the refferal. I trust my new doctor a lot, but there's a long way from trusting to admitting to another person what goes on in my head...especially when I'm always so smiley and chatty on the outside.

belis · April 14, 2014 5:44 pm

This Is The Phantom Lady wrote:
Thank you! I'll take a look into this! It looks awesome!

Honestly I'm considering seeing my therapist again, at least I'll take a look at the papers I got during the group sessions and the sort of self help course she gave us... I've started doing certain things again and I'm losing grip of myself... It was just a lot easier with my last doctor to get the refferal. I trust my new doctor a lot, but there's a long way from trusting to admitting to another person what goes on in my head...especially when I'm always so smiley and chatty on the outside. I

I imagine that your new doctor will be aware of your history from the notes. It shouldn't come to him as a major shock if you ask to be re-reffered.

This Is The Phantom Lady · April 14, 2014 6:20 pm

I'm sure he has... It's just that the diagnosis I was given then was a sort of pseudo diagnosis so he might not take it that seriously... My therapist had no idea what to do with me as I was apparently not unwell enough and not well enough to go without help... again, I never told her what was really going on, silly me.

I'm always scared I might be seen as much more mad than I feel I am... I just do silly things sometimes I suppose... have bad habits.

Anyways... I will start out going through the papers first and see if I can find some help there... I've not opened the file since my therapist gave up on me.

belis · April 14, 2014 7:00 pm

It's a common concern. Intrestingly if you are thinking about that then you are probably not that 'mad'. It's the people who loose insight that we need to be worry about.

This Is The Phantom Lady · April 14, 2014 7:03 pm

I know... but, I've done some things lately that might not seem all that sane...

belis · April 14, 2014 7:38 pm

I bet you that I have heard it all before and it's nowhere near as crazy as half of the things I see everyday but I'm not going to ask. Overall I think you sound pretty sane.

This Is The Phantom Lady · April 14, 2014 7:54 pm

Thank you, that's good to hear!

Lets just say it was a bit bad... and I fear if it was discovered I might end up being fixated or what ever you call it... So I'm just going to start out see what I can manage on my own

This Is The Phantom Lady · April 15, 2014 10:24 am

GRR I fainted after giving blood today. I've not fainted in a while and it was so uncomfortable... mostly because I really didn't want the poor nurses to fuss over me. They have enough work to do already!

At least they got my blood and I'm all right now, just a bit tired I suppose...