Thanks again for your thoughts

I'm in a lot of pain to be honest... My jaw has been swollen since yesterday but at least the swelling has come down some and my cheek is now turning blue...

Oh and they found yet another wisdom tooth that needs to go... but I have to wait and see if I can be granted money for that.

But it'll be good soon when it all heals I'll be happy.


I've been staying at my mums place and my dog is taking good care of me

Thank you! I do feel a lot better, only a few days ago I started to be able to eat soft foods, moving on from liquids. I was 'lucky' enough to get a Dry Socket. I saw my dentist last Thursday and almost started crying when he asked me how I had been doing since the surgery. He was sweet and only opened my mouth slightly and even if there was no infection he gave me antibiotics so I could mentally be at ease. I was so worried I had an infection

Thank goodness I'm able to eat a bit more now, I'm chronically anemic and having lived off of pudding (because yogurt was too acidic) doesn't really help the iron balance... 

But I'm getting back to my old self again! I even braved a pizza today! 



My dog was sweet after the surgery, bless him. He would lie next to me on the couch and be my support... and when I suddenly got a bad pain and had to search for the ice pack in a panic, he panicked too... poor thing. He took it out on his favourite teddy! 

I'm very nervous about having my last one out now.... I have no idea when it will be (because I need to ask the state to help me with the finances as I'm on benefits). I've never had a phobia with dentists before. (but I have it with ear doctors... but that's another story).

 

That sounds really uncomfortable, Phantom.  I wish I could give you some advice, but all I can say is that I understand how tough that must be.  I know I'd feel really uncomfortable if that were happening to me.  It's hard when you feel bad for someone but they also hurt you in some way, or make you feel bad.  I hope this situation gets better for you, or at least becomes less difficult to deal with in some way.  If he makes innapropriate comments, is it possible to block him or tell him that you don't like what he does?

The thing is that I'm a bit 'scared' of him... and I don't think he gets it either. And since it's a family member it's just even more complicated... 

I'll just ignore him until he get's tired of it. 



I have another complaint... I suffer from anxiety and still have some hints of PTSD... and once again some people thought it was fun running around knocking on doors and then test door handles. 
I know it's just drunk idiots who are bored... the joys of living in a student building!
But every time my heart was in my throat and I was seaching for my baseball bat. 

Of course it didn't help that I was watching some of my X-Files DVD's... 

Gosh! That would have scared me half to death if that happened! 

I hate my anxiety... sometimes I don't even feel safe in my own home, and things like that just brings it all back. 
But yeah, those drunken students probably don't even know what they are doing. 

I know it's not the same, but I too can often be scared of the future.  When I think of adult life, I get very scared that I won't be able to do anything and think about how horrible it feels like it's going to be.  I like life, there are lots of things I like doing, but the future, being older and working, is often a very dire and unavoidable prospect.  I don't yearn for it, even though sometimes I wish I had a bit more freedom to buy things I want.  I don't min not having that if it means I don't need to fully live as an adult anymore.  I try to live one day at a time, but I am running out of those days.  I know I do well at school and often even enjoy school, people say I'm going to go places, but a lot of the time I feel like a lost soul.  I like the idea that the world is like a machine, so there are no spare parts, but sometimes I struggle with what my purpose could be, because no matter what I do I worry that I won't be as happy or as comfortable as I want to.  My family has money for me, but I'm scared of not having enough.  I know it doesn't buy happiness, but I am still afraid of not having any because a certain amount of it is needed to procure the things I need to live and that I enjoy.

Ah yes, drunk students.  I remember last winter there were some outside my residence building for over an hour in the middle of the night making lots and lots of noise and I couldn't sleep.

Big hugs from me too

I have those fears too and they do suck. My best advice is to try and take things as they go and to not overthink... not an easy task! 


I saw a therapist yesterday, It has taken me way too long to get reffered, and I ran into another 'issue' there... this is the second person I have seen since my doctor reffered me, and I fall into the same trap. 
I have always put up a brave face (using places like this to get my bad days out.) and it just gets harder to answer "So why have you come here today?". 
... it didn't help that the first person I saw told me that she didn't feel like I needed help. I just needed a job and to lose weight. 
I do need help... 

this might be a bit too personal... and I'm sorry... but.... I even mumbled something about my childhood and things I experienced that no child should even know about. And the lady basically told me that since I had not asked for help before now, maybe I didn't need help now. 

It took me 20 years to reach out. And that's what I get. 



Sorry... back on track. You both have your lives ahead of you, we all have. I think there are too many demands to be honest,  demands to have your whole life planned when you're 10 years old. 

Try to breathe, and find yourselves and something you are content with.

Also having a boyfriend isn't always the solution. I have my first 'proper' boyfriend now (despite that he lives in Holland) and while I love him to bits and he does keep my head high it's also making me more vulnerable in a way. 

 

Mattlocked wrote:

I was always a bit afraid of the future, unsure what to do, which job.....
And it doesn't help that everyone keeps telling:"Do the job you love! And nothing else!!"
And what if I'm in a job I don't love? And what if I don't have the courage to change it? After 25 years?
So I try to be happy like it is. I work to get some money. With the money I can pay the house we live in, the interests I have.... and my Hamlet ticket.

And that actually is a pretty good 'strategy' if you ask me, Mattlocked, a good way of dealing with things in life. Of dealing with a job that isn't your "Traumjob" (dream job). I suppose that a lot of people don't really like their job, but let's face it: Not everyone can have the perfect job. That doesn't mean that one should just resign and stop thinking about other options. But it's understandable that this is quite difficult after 25 years.
So you either can 'pull yourself together' and try to change your job situation - or you can view your job as a means of earning money (like you've already mentioned) and then enjoy the things you are able to afford because of the money you've earned.
When I told my boyfriend about those three tickets for "Richard II" with David Tennant in London next January and said "I know, it's totally crazy and unresonable", his answer was: "Why? You work hard for your money and most of the time your job pisses you off, so why shouldn't you spend your money for something that cheers you up and makes you happy?" I almost cried when he said that...

 

UGH I hate that I feel so sad right now.  I saw my friend who I haven't seen in six months today.  We had lunch and then we went back to my place to sit outside and talk some more before she had to go.  I had wished we had had more time because it felt like a short visit compared to some other times, but then again I always feel like it's not enough because I love every moment we can have together and always wish there could be more.  
Because of this this there's always some level of sadness when I have to say goodbye after seeing friends, but today it hit me very hard.  I'm not sure whether it's as bad as I felt when I said goodbye to all my friends for the last time before we all went to different schools, but right now it feels like it could be close.  I just want to cry (and I did a bit).
Part of this may be because I feel like a coward, but I don't know.  Whether I'm still in love with her I'm not sure of anymore, and the thought of tainting what we've got.  She's not prejudiced, but sometimes I feel like it's not worth the risk.  I've told her "I love you" before, and she's said it back, but obviously she doesn't know what I really meant.  When I was thinking about inviting her, I thought that maybe this time I'd finally speak the truth, but then as soon as I invited her and today came, my cowardice came flooding back.  And maybe it's because I'm not sure about it, anymore, but sometimes I still feel very sure.  I wish I could be braver, but sometimes I wonder if maybe it's better this way, even if it hurts.  I just hate that I have to feel so sad once the happiness ends.  It's like I can't go back to normal until I feel both a lot of happiness and and then some sadness that makes me feel like I don't want to do anything for a while.  But I hate that I have to feel so sad immediately after, when I should still feel lingering happiness from our visits, even thought they're over, like I used to.  Maybe it's because we get fewer chances to spend time together than we used to, but I don't know.  It still sucks.

Last edited by Yitzock (July 8, 2015 11:14 pm)

Thanks, Phantom.  I am actually feeling a little better now that some more time as passed.  Still not feeling completely better, though.
I hope you are able to get your medication in time.