So I did something stupid today.

We were having a class discussion as normal, when I decided that I wasn't sure I agreed with something the professor was saying, so I raised my hand and said "But what about this?" And it was OK.  So then the professor explains some other point that relates and she goes through this explanation and I get what she's saying but I'm not sure I agree with everything as I listen to her going along.  At the end she asks if I understand and I said I did but I just didn't agree, but that's fine.  Whoops, bad wording.  She asks me what I don't agree with and there's an exchange and I'm starting to regret saying anything because I didn't feel that we had had a productive exchange.  So I say something like "Forget it, it's fine." I wanted to move on and end the conversation and I didn't know how to end it.

And of course I messed up with the body language because I had slid forward in my seat and JUST HAD TO USE THAT MOMENT to shift to a more upright position.  Once I shifted in a similar manner in the car and my mum thought I was upset about something, which I wans't I was just shifting.  But I had forgotten about that today until after I had acted and realized it might have made me seem annoyed when I actually wasn't, I just didn't know what to say.  So for some BRILLIANT reason I say what I'm thinking, which is, "I shouldn't have said anything." I never say this in class, ever, and at this point I feel like I am being seen as acting like a stupid child.  

Eventually we move on and for the rest of the class I try to continue any discussions as normal but in the back of my mind I'm scared she's going to hate me for the rest of the semester.

At the end of class after we've finished and everyone's packing up, including me, the professor comes over to my seat and asks if we can talk and clear the air.  And I say I wasn't even thinking about our exchange anymore (not completely truthful, granted, but I was trying to let it just pass over without another thought, without clinging to any negative feelings, even if I was failing at that).  And she said there was no reason to be upset.  And I think I tried to say something about how I wasn't upset, just that my reading didn't completely fit the analysis she presented.  I don't remember exactly what she said anymore.  And she said she was afraid I didn't like her.  And I said no, I was afraid she was going to hate me, and at this point in spit of myself I can feel tears starting to come into my eyes and I'm trying to fight them off.  And she said she didn't hate me and that she often gets afraid students don't like her.  And eventually we end and I leave.

But I couldn't get that class out of my mind for the rest of the day and even though things seemed OK between us I couldn't help but feel like an overly emotional piece of crap (which I immediately told myself I knew wasn't true), but for the rest of the evening I just haven't been able to shake this bad feeling in me and I hate that I am like this that sometimes I just can't let some silly thing like this go for hours after it happens even though that's exactly the opposite of what I want to do.  But I'm mostly just annoyed that I did nearly get upset in class, and I'm not even sure why.  Was it because I felt like I couldn't express what I was thinking properly? That I wasn't being listened to? Because I was tired from my busy week? I don't know! 
This is making me remember one time in science class back in grade 10 in high school when I was fifteen and I got really frustrated by something in science class and almost started crying and really was not in control of myself and this class today (though it wasn't science because I don't take science classes anymore) gave me flashbacks to that really horrible, low moment that I don't like remembering and it's making me wonder how I could have gotten back to that kind of a feeling and what's wrong with me.  I'm so glad next week is a break from class.  Maybe I just need a chance to slow down for a little while.  I'm sorry for annoying you all with this long thing that probably makes you think less of me.  Just like my classmates probably lost their respect for me, the few there who knew me.

Last edited by Yitzock (February 24, 2017 3:06 am)

I'm sorry that happened. 

Firstly I'd say it is, and it really should be okay to disagree with something someone, even a teacher, says. I'm sure it will end up fine, perhaps both of you were having a bad day and misread each other? 

And I'll second what Besley said, too. Be yourself, always. You can't control what other's read on you

That's good to hear!


I have a bit of a rant, and a question too... 

I'm wondering if I have the right to be a bit upset that my boyfriend forgot about my Birthday. He knows what a difficult day it was for me (though, thanks to my best friend being there, it turned out pretty all right). But there was no word from him. 

He's away on vacation with his family this week, and I've not heard from him since last Friday. 
Earlier he used to be able to send me delayed emails when he was away... 

But yeah, no word from him... which has made me a little hurt. 

But do I have the right to be upset? Or am I just being too emotional about this whole thing? 

I know he doesn't have easy access to communication... he doesn't own a smart-phone... but previously he's been able to send timed emails... so technically he could have sent one last week that could have been delivered now. 

I just feel like I'm being stupid... 

I guess the kid might not have known for sure which adaptation of Sherlock Holmes it was since there are many.  Maybe she'll ask her parents and tell you which version it was tomorrow?

Monday, right. Sorry, forgot what day it was when I posted.

I hope you get to solve the mystery! 

besleybean wrote:

Well I know some schools in continental Europe operate on a Saturday morning, so I wondered if you thought we were the same!

I didn't know that, so no. Just not thinking clearly.

Sorry to hear things aren't going just great right now.
Stay strong and come and moan to us, if you need to!

Sorry to hear about that bad time.  I hope things will be looking up soon.