BBC Sherlock Fan Forum - Serving Sherlockians since February 2012 » Free Rants

This Is The Phantom Lady · July 24, 2016 12:47 am

Aw thank you!

I think I will go through some of the lists of generic coping methods I've been given in therapy... and perhaps wait until Monday to venture outside, when I can contact my boyfriend... he's awesome at warding off a panic attack. He tells me lame jokes until I forgot what I was scared of.

I'm just happy this didn't happen next weekend... after next weekend he'll be out of reach for 3 weeks. Grrr. Long distance relationships can be tough.

This Is The Phantom Lady · July 26, 2016 8:19 pm

I am seriously considering leaving my family... again. (though possibly for good this time).

It's been something I've wanted since I was a little girl really... and I've been giving it good thought. Weighing the pros and cons... Even my therapist is advising me to avoid them as much as I possibly can't...

Which I can't. Every other weekend I am visiting my mother... mostly out of duty, and for fear of the consequences (and I guess something inside of me doesn't want her to be too lonely... despite everything).

Ehm, to put it short my mother was emotionally incapable of caring for a child, especially on her own... which lead to abuse in a myriad of ways.

Anyway.

I am currently freaking out about a big family party this upcoming weekend. My mother's aunt is turning 80. I'm having panic attacks just thinking about it.
I always feel the odd one out at those events... people never really know what to ask me (when I grew up I was the only child in the entire family... until I was 13...) They often ask if I work... which I don't. At the moment I am deemed unfit for work due to mental health problems...
But I can not say that. My mother has told me to keep it a secret (just like I'm not telling my mum that she is one of the biggest reasons I am in therapy)...
But I can't hide certain things. I have visible signs on my body from my mental issues. And the excuse "I was a stupid teenager" doesn't work anymore.

Which I am also panicking about. It's too hot to wear any form of jacket...

Gah.

If I don't go that event I will never hear the end of it either. And my mother's aunt is one of the people in my family who hasn't hurt me... She even let me stay with her for weeks during the summer holidays.

It's triggering my stress induced OCD... that's going to be fun. I am trying to calm myself down by the fact that I have a glitter nailpolish that fits the dress (that has been approved by my mum, so I don't embarrass her)

Ugh. I should be too old for this mess.

This Is The Phantom Lady · August 3, 2016 9:21 am

I just learned one of my friends went through an attempted rape 2 days ago, and that people ignored her cries for help.

I am currently writing to her... she says she's okay... but is getting help, and she apparently allowed the story to get out in the press, which is how I learned about it.

I'm so angry I'm shaking

Yitzock · August 3, 2016 6:44 pm

Wow. I can't even imagine what that would feel like. Scared, probably.
That sucks that she is not being taken seriously, but unfortunately that's not uncommon. I hope she is able to find some support. Maybe her going public about it will help.

Last edited by Yitzock (August 3, 2016 6:45 pm)

This Is The Phantom Lady · August 4, 2016 5:24 pm

3 people passed without helping her, only the 4th person actually did, a woman... which saved her from the worst... a man passed after that, that they wanted to help keep my friend safe, after the attacker ran... that man just walked away.

I haven't spoke to my friend face to face since, but yesterday I saw her on the news. I cried so hard. She's such a strong woman, and she still is, but that tremor in her voice was the worst... not the bruises... her voice.

I am so proud of her though, for speaking to the press and speaking up about the fact that people just passed without helping.

She still has her humour though. She told another of our group of friends "The worst part is that he ruined the chocolate in my pocket!!"

So well, now all of us have chipped on for a giant bouquet of flowers and a big box of chocolates.

But the most important thing is for her to know that we are here for her. When she's ready.

Luckily the man got caught... and they have evidence and one witness statement (grr) but the punishment for such a crime is nothing of worth here... one can only hope he gets what he deserves from fellow inmates the days he will actually do of jailtime.

Yitzock · August 4, 2016 9:03 pm

That's good to hear that she has support around her.

nakahara · August 4, 2016 9:36 pm

That´s so sad, Phantom.
I honestly wish your friend the best of luck - and the proper punishment to the perpetrator.

This Is The Phantom Lady · August 16, 2016 3:10 pm

I'm so confused and quite frankly hurt right now.

It took me 20 years to seek help for all that happened to me... I've opened up to my therapist, and she's promised me since I started opening up that she would start EMD (I think that's what she called it) treatment for the complex traumas and stuff once I finish the group sessions...

Today after showing my a graph of trauma, pointing out I was in the worst group, that group that took years of therapy to work through... she told me they couldn't offer me that there. But she could start, sure...

She also talked about me whether or not I was ready (honestly, I'll never fully be, but I know I need the help). The way she steered the conversation made me feel like she wanted me to say no. Not for my benefit in a way... but because they can't offer me that under the healthcare.

She wants an answer next Friday. I am just too tired to look into what my options are if they can't help me. I can't afford a therapist out of my own pocket, and not for years!!
There might be another system, but that is mostly 'reserved' for people with severe psychological illnesses... so I'm not sure I fit in there.

Once again the system is leaving me behind I guess.

Yitzock · August 16, 2016 3:49 pm

That sounds like a difficult decision you are faced with. If you can't afford any other option, maybe you could see if what they can offer you could still help you? Maybe it might not be your "best" possible option, but maybe it's a start, at least make due with what you have access to at this time?

Obviously, I don't know much about your situation and of course you don't have to listen to a word I'm writing, but that seems like something you might be able to do from what you're saying. But whatever you end up doing, I hope it's something you feel is the right choice.

mrshouse · August 16, 2016 4:01 pm

I'm very sorry that you feel so let down, Phantom. I think Yitzock already said what I think, too, so there is not much to add. Maybe just two things: It might be the right thing for a professional to acknowledge the point where they must send their patients to further diagnostic and treatment and thus don't overestimate what they can do for them at their cost. Plus, as hard as it sounds, try not to take it personally, that it is directly connected to your opening up. It would be fatal to withdraw as a consequence.
Big hug for you.

This Is The Phantom Lady · August 16, 2016 5:35 pm

I know that, but the problem is... she isn't sending me anywhere else... other than home.

Lilythiell · August 16, 2016 5:50 pm

I'm sorry to hear that, Phantom...Hope that you'll be staying in the 'worst' group though -slow therapy is I think better than none. Until you can get something suited to your needs.
Hold on *hugs tight*

This Is The Phantom Lady · August 16, 2016 6:24 pm

I am just hoping somehow I can get that therapy somewhere, when they have to let me go... apparently there is a time limit, and this clinic was only supposed to handle anxiety and depression...

I just feel like I'm being kicked out on the street, abandoned... I hope she just forgot to mention some other system of treatment. I can't believe they would just drop people who really need the help...

But the mental side of healthcare here is a joke... Is it any wonder I've re-embraced my punk-self. Society have a big part in what happened to me, and no one helped... now I'm too big a mouthful to treat or something. Well. congratulations.

This Is The Phantom Lady · August 18, 2016 1:45 pm

Okay I just need to get this off my chest...

I thought I was strong enough to base my new fan fic 'Just Say Yes' somewhat on actual events from 2 years ago... and I probably am. But there's something about using the past me that hurts. That broken shell my ex made me into. How I was so jumpy and that way he had a hold on me. Now, especially while writing it seems like it had been easy to just leave and say no.

I always do that when I write... ask myself "But why?" etc to catch critical plot errors... and this is really one... why doesn't she just stay away?

And why the hell did it hurt when I saw him around recently? And he tried to message me.

Past is past... and maybe I will never fully understand how he could do those things, and make me do what I did... and perhaps writing is a good thing!

Lilythiell · August 18, 2016 1:54 pm

Hun, writing is always a good thing. Always.
In seeing the problem in your plot you understand the problem in your PAST.
And as you said, past is past. You only need to use it to carry on (my wayward son...sorry, wrong fandom). You now know how to react IF confronted to the same problems. Knowing is not the same as doing, true. But does it not help you somewhat and gives you tools to fight on?

Big hugs to you, dear. You know that my inbox is always open if you need me.

This Is The Phantom Lady · August 18, 2016 2:05 pm

Thanks, and you're so right, Lily. I'm happy this is in the past, and I hope I will never find myself in a similar situation.
I'm so happy I met my boyfriend and let him build me up again... and that he, (unlike Sherlock's character in my story) is actually genuine.

Lilythiell · August 18, 2016 2:16 pm

Quite right, too

This Is The Phantom Lady · August 24, 2016 7:11 pm

Okay. I'm crying and I've just been sick.

I just had a conversation with my ex jerk... he pretended he contacted me by mistake, and when I acted cold he told me I was a 'fruitcake' and how I made everything up... how he had been such a nice man and had my best interests in mind...

Well I had some anger to burn out and yelled it at him, confronted him with all that he did. And how he should have known better and all that...
He flat out denied some of it, and twisted the rest. He even had the audacity to say I needed most of it.

In the end he called me childish and well, yes. I ended up getting into "I want the last word mode"...

Bloody idiot.

Lilythiell · August 24, 2016 7:46 pm

All I can offer are my support and hugs...but these you have.
Dry your tears. You are out of that relationship. Use the scars it left on you to grow.
You can and have set yourself free from the other one albeit not entirely it seems. But it's alright we all deal with our experiences differently. You are in a good relationship: that in itself shows that you can get better. Don't let that jerk of an ex get you down!
You are awesome and I hope that you know and feel that everything he told you -tonight and any other time he's been in contact with you - is utter bullsh*t.

*more hugs*

This Is The Phantom Lady · August 25, 2016 6:40 am

Thank you both of you.

I know he's so wrong, and I know he's sick even. Typical behaviour of a sociopath (though not the sexy kind like Sherlock is)... and I even confronted him with that. But yeah, it still hurts being treated like that.

Well at least we've moved from him treating me like an animal to a child. Moving up *gags*

I hope my boyfriend comes back soon... and I hope he doesn't get too angry or starts blaming himself when he finds out that creep didn't keep his promise of leaving me alone. My boyfriend has been out of reach since the 5th (was planned) and he'll be back on Monday. I emailed him about this though... so he'll know once he returns